Okay last update on this story. It's going to be long and happy and sad and confusing and some of you might not even understand. But I need to get this all out of my system. Please be patient with me and understand the inevitable. Their are some pieces to the story missing because those are memories that I've cherished so much over the past 6 months. Memories that I'm not ready to taint with the knowledge of others because of how precious they are to me. These are the moments that I'm willing to share. I regret nothing. So without further a do here is " The Perfect Guy Part Five: the Final Chapter...."
When Tom left in August I-was-a-wreck (to put it lightly). I was a mess of tears and emotions and I couldn't function. I felt empty. And pathetic, very, very pathetic. It was weird because I've never had to deal with those kinds of emotions before. It was overwhelming and there was a time where I felt like my insides were going to explode. But I couldn't show it. I couldn't show signs of momentary distress because I wasn't allowed to answer the question "Whats wrong ?". No I wasn't allowed to say what was on my mind because it was forbidden. My family kept my emotions prisoner in my room. Boys aren't allowed. I wasn't allowed to have a crush or like someone in that way. At least not yet. And especially someone who wasn't brought up from the same culture that I am. It's forbidden. And its ludicrous to buy into that garbage. But I still live here, so I had no choice. There was so much going on at that point in my life and I felt like I was doll trapped in a box. I had no outlet no one that I felt secure enough in any of my friendships to go to. I only started opening up to one of my friends. Slowly, but it was still progress. By the end of September I let them all in. I still talked to Tom. Everyday for the rest of August. He was my rock. I exposed myself completely to this one person and I was scared. I was in a battle with myself. A battle that I knew I couldn't win. So when Tom came back in October I opened up my box again. He was only here for a week. And I can still say that was the greatest week of my life. I remember how nervous I was to see him. I will always be nervous to see him. He looked great and he wore a smile that would forever melt my heart. And now I'm getting cliche but I don't care because whenever I was with him we were always Ayssatou and Tom. Nothing more, nothing less. We went to dinner and he payed for the whole thing. He refused to let me pay for anything that whole night. We caught each other up on whatever we weren't able to say over Skype or whatever we forgot to say. It was nice to see him again, to really see him. After we walked through Time square and he held my hand. We went to see a movie we barely watched and then we just got lost together. And he never let go of my hand. Through any of it, he never let go until he absolutely had to and I was on a bus home. That was something I will never forget.
I spent whatever time I managed to have with him. When I wasn't busy with all my activities and him in school.
Friday night we wen't to my uncles house in Long Island.....
Saturday morning my cousin threw a party......
Saturday evening we were alone.....
Sunday afternoon he told me he loved me.....
Tuesday morning he was gone.
" I. Love.You" words that to this day I still don't understand. Words that I wasn't able to return. The next week was horrible. I tried so hard not to cry at school I really did. But some point in that week I spent whole period sobbing in the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. My friends tried distract me in every way that they could but even they couldn't fully understand what was going on. I felt them giving up on me. I couldn't blame them. How do I expect to ever feel better when I can never say whats on my mind ? The next few times I talked to him he was anxious but hopeful. Extremely hopeful and I didn't know how to react or deal with it. The day of my birthday I get airmail from Luxembourg. Inside is a bracelet a beautiful colorful bracelet that changed my day immensely. My birthday was finally my birthday again and it was all thanks to Tom. The next six days were hard. He's never pressured me into doing anything I didn't want to do. And he's never asked anything of me. But he wanted to be with me. Officially and completely. The whole thing made me anxious. Our whole relationship made me anxious actually. Because I could never really comprehend why someone as beautiful, gentle and kind hearted as him could ever see something in me. Why me?. I've asked my self this for the last month and a half. Quite honestly I was afraid to know the answer. I was always anxious and unsure about the idea of their being an 'us'. On November 14th 2013 I gave into my own fears and we made it official. On January 2nd 2014 I decided to end it.
It was a decision that I've been contemplating for half the time of the relationship. There are so many factors that came into this decision but inevitably I just became tired. Having the same arguments and being so far apart. But that was never the reason why it wouldn't have worked. (okay it was part of the reason). I doubted the relationship...a lot. I even yelled at my friend for a reason beyond stupid. I just wasn't sure why he chose me. On Saturday I heard I'ts impossible to love someone when you can't even love yourself. Not even going to sugar coat it I was watching the ending of Awkward . But anyways I know now what I didn't know then. And that is that I do love Tom. But I can never tell him that. I needed this. I needed him to give me the confidence that I have today. When I first started talking to him I was a prisoner of my own mind. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't love anyone. And I most definitely couldn't open up to anyone. Tom was the key to my cage. He made me stronger and more confident. Butt most importantly, he made me free. I feel like a different person and making him stay with me would have been selfish. Because I could never love him correctly. There's a debt I have to him that I could repay. I owe him so much for the advice he's given me for the past year and always being the shoulder that I needed to cry on. We have beautiful and wonderful memories that I will forever cherish. And he will always be one of my closest friends. But he was the last chapter of that part of my life. My prince charming. Now I can close that book and start a new one. Starting with this year. This is the year where I work and focus on myself for a change. I will try not to be afraid to take risks and I will figure out who I am. Who I want to be. And I won't regret any decision I've ever made again. This is the year where I find me....
xxxx.
- Ayssatou
