I Want To Write A Book.....

I want to write a book. About what ? I have no clue. I just know that I want to write a book. This may be another one of my bright idea moments. But I this is something I really want to do. The problem with me is that I can never finish what I start and my self diagnosed ADD is out of control. I remember a few years back before I said I wanted to write a children's book and I made my mom call a publishing house and everything. So I started writing a draft for this book called "Momo's greatest adventures" and I sent the first chapter to the publisher and she said it was great and that I would have to write thirty chapters for them to publish it. Now I am such a lazy person and my determination is easily driven away by my laziness and after two chapters I was done. I'm hoping it was because I was young though. I just I really want to write a book.  I have 50000000x ideas in my head on a daily basis and I feel like some of them are interesting enough for someone to pick up one day and be like " Oh well this story looks interesting let me give it a go." I want to write atleast one book. That is on my official bucket list. 

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: I'll post the only surviving chapter of "Momo's Greatest Adventures". And my bucket list later! 

The Laramie Project.....

This year my school is doing a production of "The Laramie Project" - by Moises Kaufman. So I just started reading the book about what happened to Matthew Shepard a gay university of Wyoming student who was savagely beaten, tied to a fence and left to die because of his sexual orientation. I'm sharing this picture  with you because it was the very first quote the author put in the book. The Author of this book is his mother Judy Shepard. I actually can't deal with how emotional this play is to me....

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

T.P.G PART 4.5

Side Note: I realized today how far behind this story really is and so much has happened since then. So I'll fast forward through the summer. Also yesterday was a special day and  I'm happy I shared it with my friends. Anyways last two parts of summer here we go....

Fast Forward:(The last two weeks)

Okay the last two weeks after that day is a blurred rush in my mind. It felt like we had all the time in the world and that's how we were acting. But those weeks went by very quickly. And everything was so light and easy going but at the same time really intense and emotional. The more time I spent with him the more I really liked him. We were moving really fast and there was a point where I realized how much time we really had left. And I guess I was kind of distancing myself those last few days. I just didn't want it to affect me when he left. And he could sense that but at the same time he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. So now this is the part that's going to sound bad but NOTHING HAPPENED. Okay so I'm not really that sheltered at home because my mom does let me go out and stuff. But what she never let me do before was go to a sleepover. And I've had a best friend for almost 8 years now, who my mom considers to be like her own daughter. And I wasn't thinking much when I did this. So I beg my mom to let me have a sleepover to my "best friends house".And  she actually let me go. I used my one and only sleep over card and I stayed with him. Okay before any assumptions are made I swear to this blog nothing happened that day. It was the day before he left and we literally ate junk food watched movies and talked until dawn. (Insomniac problems). After you spend that much time with someone you begin to feel a comfortable routine. And that's what we had those two weeks a steady routine, a steady rythm. But it was coming to an end. And I had to deal with it. So now the morning after.....

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

Advice of the Day....

It takes two people to make a relationship work. 

But it also takes only one person to ruin it.

And if you are as paranoid and scared as I am. Well then you'll most likely be the one to ruin it.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: Juggling three shows, Crazy director, unpacking, interventions, school work, Christmas shopping, father coming, and relationship problems all in the same week. Pray for me.

PPS: The advice was; Don't  make rapid decisions that may affect the other person you're in a relationship with  without talking to them about it. Yeah you're  independent but there's a fine line between independent and selfish. Once you cross that line you're basically fucked..... I learned this the hard way. Goodnight ! :)

Emotions/Feelings/ And All That Other Crap....

There is one thing that I will never understand and that is emotions. Why did God have to make us such emotional creatures ? I understand that there are good parts about being an emotional person like happiness, joy, love and admiration and blah blah blah blahblah. But there are so many bad parts too; in my case the bad tend to outway the good. Like anger, sadness, anxiety and love. And the worst of all tears. Why the fuck do we have to cry? Like what gave god the right to make us human waterfalls when we're either really sad or really happy. Or in my case really freaking angry.  There are some emotions that I feel like if I blog about them the moment it happens I would literally go back later and laugh at myself. Brcause of how absolutely pathetic I was. Or of how absolutly pathetic I feel at this moment. Emotions are hard to control. And in a relationship all your emotions are heightened and there are certain stages that you have to pass.

But it's hard to pass those stages when your filled with anxiety or let's say your boyfriend lives 3775 miles away. Well then you have a problem. Fun fact a boy has never made me ugly cry after a disagreement before. Until today. I hate crying. I hate people that say it will make you feel better because I feel like crap. Its just so much easier to protect yourself when you close yourself off to the world. I overthink a lot and that tends to confuse myself a lot and cloud my judgment. So at this very moment in time I'm lost. And I hate it because I don't know which way to go anymore. I need help. I'm just to proud and stubborn to admit it.

xxxx

- Ayssatou

PS: I house sat, had thanks giving, moved, lost all my clothes, and lived without Internet for three days. (My phone doesn't count.) I am so ready for college.

Sorry....It's Turkey Day....

Sorry I forgot to say Happy Thanks Giving so...... happy thanks giving. I'm not usually a huge grouch on holidays (that's a lie but I usually like thanksgiving). What started out to be a Bert productive eat my feelings day turned out to be a I really hate to be around my family day. Not fun. Anyways I took a job house sitting for four days because I wanted to be away from my family and boy that karma. My mom was against it and blah blah and I sent her an email that single handedly ruined out relationship. Then she, instead of talking to me gave me the silent treatment ignored me and then emailed me the next day. Stating that she "hears me" but still left it up to my older brother to decide for her -_- . And he was okay with it on the condition that I take my cousin with me (annoying). Even that I accepted though. What I dont except is that my mom is so scared about everyone else's reaction and her family power reputation or some stupid shut like that, that she went out of her way to lie about where I was to my grandmother. Because of that I had to get back home at ten this morning (which I was okay with) to help pack. To help pack for a house that I never saw, didn't know about and was not included in any decision even though I'll be the only one in there in a few months. Now it's fucking twelve and thanks giving is apparently still going on here and my mother decides that I can't leave because I would be putting her in a "situation" if I left. Like what the actual fuck I'm your child not theirs get your shit together your the oldest why the hell are you of all people afraid of what your brothers would say ? I hate this family so much. No ones morals or intentions are ever in the right place and the only way I could ever escape the stupidity gene that's apparently flowing through these people I have to leave. Yes running away from myfily and leaving Nj is my solution to everything. Accept it.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou 

PA: HAPPY THANKSGIVING IM SORRY IM SUCH A DOWNER I HOPE YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES HAVE HAD A GOOD ONE AND MAY YOUR LIFE NEVER SUCK AS MINE DOES.

One step forward.... Ten Steps Back.

When I start to thing things are getting better the whole universe decides to rotate backwards. I've come to the conclusion that my family is just filled with pretentious snobs who like to control every detail of my life. And my mom is such a gullible dependant push over that she cares more about what they think than what actually makes me happy. I can't stand any if these people who just think that they are high above anyone else. Everyone in this family's mind is so wrapped up around their old ideals of being the perfect put together African family that they forget it's a lie. My family is filled with liars, pretenders, wannabe's, religious hypocrites and racists. What makes any of you think your better than anyone else ? The faultin my personality links back to the years of listening to bull shit after bull shit after bull shit. I don't know how one person can take in so much bull shit being fed to them and not explode. I just need to get away from them all. The fact that they are trying to control where I go to college now "You have to stay close to your mom no dorms, commute, in nj, blah blah blah blah"  I am going far far far far far away from all of them I feel like I can go all the way to Japan and it still won't be far enough. I want to clear my mind and erase all the crap that's been put into it and just live my life the way that I want to live it. Only one year and ten months left one year ten months, one year ten months, one year ten months...

xxxx.

-Ayssatou

I Just Shouldn't Say Anything (Ever)....

Literally I just shouldn't have said anything at all. I shouldn't have tried to be honest with my mom and I shouldn't have written that stupid letter. Because now she's icing me out (no pun intended). I shouldn't have said how I felt. Actually I should just stop saying how I feel in general. Because I'm a very blunt person and when someone asks me about my opinion on something, or how I feel about it I say what I think. And it only ever goes downhill from their because apparently my opinions are always wrong. Or taken to offense and I'm not even trying to be offensive or mean that is my opinion no one can change my opinion but me. Most of the time I feel like I'm tip toeing around fragil glass when I talk to the people around me since everything I say is wrong or taken in the wrong way. And quite frankly I'm so sick and tired of it. I spent so much time trying to open up and always say what I feel but no one really listens. And it only causes trouble so why should I even bother ? Whenever I talk to someone they're always right so who am I to even argue with it. I don't care enough anymore to tell people what I think because I'll always be the one whose wrong in the end so I might as well just not say anything. Ever. If someone asks me something I'll just shrugg my shoulders keep my head down and go on with the rest of my life. At least until I can get out of here far far far away from everyone. Maybe then I'll feel comfortable enough to come back out if my box. 

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: I just asked my mom if she read my email and she literally said "Goodnight." And walked past me, shut her door and locked it. I guess she'll be leaving the country again pretty soon.

I'm Not Sure If I Should Send This....

Update: It's been one of the busiest weeks of my life. I just finished stage managing a show called Carrie the Musical (yes it's like the movie). And my best friend had her sweet sixteen the same weekend and it was fabulous. But also I got a job to house sit at my directors house this weekend and after I told my mom and already agreed to do it she wakes up and tells me I can't. My mother literally builds me up to knock me down. You can't just say no last minute when this woman is already well on her way to like HAwaii or something by now.  Like it's not fair to them. And I know I'm also moving this weekend (oh yeah I'm moving 2 blocks away from where i already live....my mother ladies and gentlemen). But I will literally be home to pack every single day from morning till night. Like she's using it as an excuse. Sometimes I feel like my mother just likes to smother me with her company and I DON'T WANT IT. Gosh I literally just spent an hour writing her this letter trying to convince her why I should go. Now the question is should I send it...?

To: Mommy

I'M WRITING THIS BECAUSE YOU NEVER ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ATLEAST I KNOW YOU CHECK YOUR EMAILS.

http://www.science20.com/rogue_neuron/dont_shelter_your_children_coping_stress_child_develops_resilience_and_emotion_regulation_adult

"Mommy read this article because its exactly what you're doing ! I'm 17 years old. By this time next year I'm going to be in college in another state with a roommate that I don't even know. I know how to take care of myself outside of this house and sometimes I feel really suffocated at home. The reason why I join so many extra curriculars or take on jobs is because I need my own space to breathe and I want to branch out. You can't shelter me forever. I've always been that kid that never got to go to sleepovers and that is a childhood experience that I missed out on. And I know it's not like you never let me out of the house because you do but I know you don't like to. If you had it your way I would have a leash on and be in your peripheral vision ALL THE TIME. I know that we're moving and your mainly using that as an excuse because I can be here everyday from morning to night to help pack and move stuff over like it's not even a problem. But you feel anxious and uncomfortable about me house sitting at another persons house. BUT IT ISN''T THAT BIG OF A DEAL. And it really isn't fair to break an agreement that has been set for almost two weeks now. Especially since they have already left on their trip. It won't be fair to them, to Noah who also is only allowed to help because I asked him to, and to Lisa who trusts me enough to take care of her house. I've made a lot of network connections over the past year especially while you were gone and this can really damage those relationships. She's the one whose getting me an internship next year when I turn 18 and me calling her and breaking this deal last minute only shows that I'm unreliable and that can actually put a real strain on my future. And I know you worry about constantly but you have to trust me mommy. I'm not the same person I was a few months ago. Even Mrs Arters told you today I'm really trying to improve and get my act together and the only way for me to succeed in life is for you to trust me. And to REALLY trust me. I'm honestly just trying to help you and myself right now because I know this move is a money issue also and I don't want to always go to you for money. It's time I start doing tins for myself and I can call you every hour but I'm pretty sure you'll be seeing me more than you think. I want to help you but I also need you to help/ trust me. I'm trying hard with grades and getting organizes and I WILL FIND MY GLASSES BECAUSE IM PRETTY SURE THEIR IN THE HOUSE. But you also need to work on your end and realize that I'm not a little girl anymore and how can you ever expect me to grow and be my own person if you won't even let me do such a simple task like this ? You care too much about what other people might think like grandma and your brothers and tata but at the end of the day they have no say in my life you do. The reason why I always talk about wanting to go to a college so far away is because I feel lso sheltered and suffocated in Jersey. I can never do anything or say anything without being judged or blamed and that isn't a healthy environment for me to stay in. If only you knew how much all of you really affect me emotional and why I don't like to be around that much. I don't want to live unhappy for the rest of my life. And every time I try to open up to you about it and how I'm feeling you shoot it down or tell Isma and make it into a joke. But it's not a joke. These are my feelings I am an emotional human being and it's not fair to me to always be constantly put down by my own family. The only reason I'm standing up to you now is because I don't want to have a bad relationship with any of you before I go to college. I don't want to leave with a sour note. And it will never stop if I don't stand up to myself. And really think about what I'm saying mother because most of the time you don't take me seriously and it hurts my feelings a lot. I want to have a relationship with you where I can go to you and tell you everything. But it's hard for me to do that because you tell everyone EVERYTHING. I want everything I come to you about to be private not easy access to the rest of the family because that honestly makes me really uncomfortable and makes me not trust you as much as I should. Anyways I'm sorry this ended up to be this really long thing all I wanted was to convince you to let me house sit....

Thank You

Aisha"

I don't know what to do with myself now. Also I haven't been on here for a while because I've been so busy but I have so much to write and catch you up on it's insane. Until next time!!!!!

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: I sent it.......I'M SO FREAKING SCARED. Pray for me.

Stick to your opinions....

What does Love even mean...

Literally it's like I have a deep conversation with my friends and then my brain goes over capacity, and I just have to burden you guys with my thoughts. I apologize in advance these are my opinions, doesn't make them any more right or wrong then the rest of yours. Okay love. I've said before that I really don't understand love and what it means [ I still don't so nothing has really changed in that matter]. Love is complicated because there are different forms to it. There's the loving  your family. The love that you have for your friends.And then theirs being in love. Sharing a connection so strong with someone that it hurts in ways that you can't even understand. The pain is both physical and emotional. Emotional in the sense that every single one of you're senses are heightened and meant to surround this person's every thought. Physical because you feel this huge heavy weight of stress when they're not around and it's trying to sink you into the ground. I don't really know what I'm talking about and I don't know if I'm in love. But I can't really say I'm not. I'm trying to explain all my emotions and feelings in a way that you might understand it's just hard. I don't know how to describe exactly what I'm feeling but I know it's something. And whatever that emotion may be it's eating me up inside. It's like a knife stabbing you from your insides and it's even getting to a point where It consumes my thoughts and energy and joy. Why would anyone want to be in love ?Yes there's this whole magical aspect of it where you feel like you've just discovered your other half and everything's great and your going to be together forever (at least until you get bored/tired of each other and one of you cheats. Wow I am not in the mood today). But there are so many downfalls to love and a love that doesn't mean anything is the worst. At this point yo don't know what I'm talking about and maybe I don't even know. What I'm trying to say is love scares me and I don't know what to do or say in those situations and quite honestly I want to curl up into a ball right now. I can't finish this then I am sorry.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

Emotions and Instinct....

We follow both and base decisions on them our entire life.

When we find love we follow the emotion.

When we are angry we often lash out and hurt others, unaware of what effect it might have on their life or day.

But, unlike Instinct, our emotions can blind us and bind us.

When we are in love the other can turn our feelings against us, bending us to their will.

When we are implacable on one point of view we are blinded from the truth, even if it is staring us in the face or sitting right next to us.

Instinct: we follow it right? 

But what really is instinct? 

Some believe the heart is, from 'follow your heart'.

But is it possible for our instincts to betray us? 

When we are lost, we 'follow our nose', right? 

But every person's instinct is different, it depends on their life style.

If they live with parents who love them, their instinct would be honesty.

If they have friends, or parents, who are mean, the instinct is protection.

But for emotions, what would you do if they were taken away? 

How would you live? 

How would you act towards others, and how would they act towards you? 

If your instincts betrayed you, where would you go? 

We as humans depend on Emotions and Instinct, but is taken away, do not think of the why or the reason... think of the HOW. 

- Robert Grimes

Evolution At It's Best.....

When I look back at how I used to be and how I am now it just astounds me. Evolution and puberty and hormones and all that are such weird concepts and prices of life. And I just don't understand. I don't understand how much a person can change in the course of five years. As you get older you start to realize things you didn't understand when you were younger. Because as it turn out you actually were to young to understand. I was to young to understand hate and racism and love and sex and war and people and how adults think. I used to think sex was going to your closet and kicking boots around with a boy. I used to think that love was the hearted cards you would get from the other kids in your class and whoever gets the most cards is the most loved. I thought war meant segueing and pinning someone down. I thought a big flappy bird brought babies that came from mommys tummy on a sack and threw them down the fire escape for Christmas. I was so naive. Here I am 17 years old and I wish I didn't understand. I wish I didn't know how sex worked or that you can have it with a complete stranger that you don't love. I wish I didn't know how strong love was to a point where someone can emotionally crush you with a single action or word because you love them. I wish I didn't know that war equals death and death means to never come back. I wish I didn't know that babies are a product of sex and that most of them are accidents. I'm 17 but most days I wish I was 7. Simpler naive times but they were the best times. Times where I didn't have to face reality. And now that I do I just want to crawl back in a ball and hide under my covers. These are things we just have to deal with and live with. But it doesn't mean I want to.

xxxx. 

-Ayssatou

Theater Probs....

Life

has been

your art.

You have set

yourself

to music.

Your days

are your sonnets.

- Oscar Wilde

The Perfect Guy Part Four.....

Side note: Ha you guys thought it was over. I know people who would actually murder me and get away with it if I ended it there. That and I'm in a really good mood so here's the rest of the story....

The elevator opens and its Tom (did I forget to mention his name ? I don't know I like calling him Lux or Luxembourg). Anyways my heart jumped to my throat because he was literally perfect and looked even hotter in person which I did not expect at all. So we hug and then we're literally just standing in the middle of a hotel lobby smiling at each other. Like some people would think its cute but the hotel people just thought we were weird. I didn't know what to say and it was nerve wracking at first but I could tell that he was kind of nervous too so that made it better. This is the part where I'm supposed to 'Show him around New York' but I obviously didn't know where the hell I was going so we were just walking around lost. He didn't mind though New York is a fun place to just walk around so we ended up at Central Park around 8 ish. I thought that after having been talking to  him for six months prior to that day we would have already ran out of things to say but surprisingly didn't. We talked about our friends, our goals, our future, life. We talked about embarrassing things that has happened to us (I could have went on forever) we argued on what was better pizza or burgers, chocolate or vanilla. We talked about distance and relationships, and how hard it is to find someone to connect to. We basically talked about so much for so long and at the same time there wasn't enough time. We just spent the whole day holding hands, sharing ice cream and talking and I never felt that close to a human being before, it was just nice. It was different and I didn't know what my emotions were at that point I was a little confused. Somehow we ended up near the river thingy in central park and it was getting really late and I had to go home I just didn't want to. And after a whole day of talking their was just this comfortable silence that happened and it felt like a moment and he just looked at me and then leaned in and I was terrified. He got closer and I closed my eyes and then.....

Yeah I'm going to bed I have to wake up early to get my new phone yay upgrading!!!! ;) Talk to you later!

xxxx. 

- Ayssatou

The Perfect Guy Part Three.....

Side note: My birthday is over. Finally. Today didn't go as planned but then again nothing ever does. OH AND ONE OF MY EX CRUSHES CALLED ME TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND IT WAS REALLY SUPER AWKWARD. But the highlight the very first person to wish me a happy birthday at exactly 12 right now was also the last person I spoke to on my birthday. 24 hour nostalgia at it's best. Also I just realized that i have a thousand page views on this blog and 500 on my other one I absolutely live you guys keep the emails coming I love talking to you! So here's a birthday gift from me to you. My boy experience Part Trois....

Fast Forward; This was the period of time where I was freaking out panicking and crying because he was coming to New York and I didn't know what to do, what to wear, what to talk about, where to go and ect.... So I was a hot mess. I had to call my friend to calm me down. [ didn't work] Because the thing is video chatting someone and texting them and all this stuff through social media is NOT the same thing as meeting them in person. Like its actually really scary because you never know how the person is like in person or how they act/look/height (APPARENTLY I'M SHORT BUT I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT) I remember the first day I ever skyped with him and he was like would you talk to me/ be my friend if I couldn't walk ( and like video chat is only from waist so picture my face.) I said yes because why not. And he was so freaking serious he was like because I can't and it didn't really natter all that much (okay I was freaking out a little because it got so serious) but then he said he was kidding and that I was good person *sighs in relief*. Literally that's all I thought about the whole entire time and then it was time to meet him in NYC and I was shaking during the whole bus ride. It was seriously a 100 degrees out and here I was having a seizure because I was cold and scared. So I went to the Marriott where he was staying with his family and I'm literally just waiting in the lobby and the elevator opens and then *heart attack*........

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

I Want Something Like This.....

The Story: The story is really long but basically  the sun is the man and the woman is the moon. The sun has to die every night so that the moon can live, Without the sun there would be no moon.They depend on each other and his death gives her life which would otherwise not happen, and it is their bond that gives each other what they want and need. It is the heart of love and romance, and then there are the untold stories of a dying moon. I just find it so beautiful and I only discovered it because it was printed on the back of some girl's sweater. If I ever find a love that strong and powerful I would literally cry because I don't even know what love is. Anyways this the saying that goes along with it....

The Sun loved 

The Moon so much

Every night the Sun would Die

To let her breathe.

November 1st.....

Dear Grandma....

A thousand words couldn't bring you back,

 I know because I tried; neither could a thousand tears,

 I know because I cried; you left behind broken hearts and happy memories,

 but i never wanted the memories, 

I only wanted you.

God saw you were getting tired,

and a cure was not to be. 

So he put his arms around you,

and whispered, "come live with me."

 With tearful eye I watched you,

You didn't even remember me.

Although i loved you dearly, 

I could not make you stay.

I saw you pass away. 

Your golden heart stopped beating,

your hard working hands at rest. 

God broke my heart to prove to me, 

he only takes the best. 

God will love you and keep

you until we meet someday.

- Ayssatou

All Hallow's EVE

Side note: I'm in a great mood! Today was a rough day and now my teacher hates me but I have people who make it better so!!! I'll post a Halloween treat before I sleep but since tomorrow is Halloween it's story time !!!!! (WARNING: this is scary so if you don't like scary DO NOT KEEP READING) HAPPY HALLOWEEN.....

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

The Face

Tim was a medical student that toppled into love as soon as he set eyes on Sheila, the beautiful new transfer student.  She had masses of long black hair and eyelashes so long they got tangled in her curls when she leaned over her desk.   Tim had a withdrawn nature, though not by inclination.  He’d learned the hard way that people avoided him when they heard about his insane father; locked away in an asylum.  But he had to overcome his taciturn nature or risk losing Sheila to one of the other fellows that panted after her.  So Tim volunteered to tutor her Sheila in one of her classes.   After that, it was easy.  Sheila toppled into love with Tim as madly as he was in love with her.  They went everywhere together, hardly bearing to part for classes. 

   Tim lived in a bubble of joy, until the day he saw Sheila speaking to a good-looking fellow who lived in the same dorm.  They were laughing together over something one of their professors had said in history class, and a shaft of sheer jealousy pierced the medical student's gut.  How dare she laugh with another man?  He confronted his Sheila with her perceived trespass, and she stared at him incredulously.  “You’re crazy!” she said.  He winced, reminded of his father, and shouted insults at Sheila until she stalked off in a rage.  

     They made up over dinner, and things were fine for awhile, until the medical student saw Sheila borrow a pen from a handsome blond fellow at the library.  That set him off again.  They hissed angry words at each other until the librarian kicked them out.  Tim huddled on the narrow bed in his dorm room until black anger gave way to common sense.  He called Sheila and apologized.  She accepted his apology, and they were back together.   

  Tim was scheduled to take Sheila to a local dance on Friday night, so he rushed back to the dorm to dress in his best.  As he turned to leave, Tim noticed that a scalpel had fallen out of his medical bag and lay haphazardly on his desk.  He thrust it carelessly inside the bag and to went to pick up his girlfriend and escort her to the dance.   

      The couple had a fabulous evening; dancing and drinking and eating.  They left the party around midnight and walked hand-in-hand back to his dorm room for a nightcap.  When they reached the entry way, Sheila veered off for a moment to ask a red-haired fellow from one of her art classes about an assignment that was due the next day. Tim was instantly filled with gut-gnawing jealousy.  When Sheila rejoined him, he hustled her upstairs to his room and shouted:  “You flirt with every man you meet, you tramp!”  

      “You are crazy!” Sheila shouted back.  “Stark raving mad!”  

    Tim saw red.  “Don’t call me mad,” he said, his hand groping for the loose scalpel in his medical bag on the desk.  When the mists cleared from his eyes, Sheila lay dead at his feet, her throat cut from ear to ear.  The whole room was covered with red gore and her masses of black hair lay in a pool of steaming blood.

     Tim brain went into overdrive.  Hide the body.  Clean up the blood.  Invent an alibi.   But first...  He stared at the dead girl he had loved so much, then he knelt beside the body and slowly cut off her face.  He wrapped the face carefully in plastic before putting it in his desk drawer.  Then he cleaned up the blood and hid the body in a tunnel near the laundry room.  

      The next morning, he told his roommate Sheila had broken up with him and gone home in a snit without finishing her classes.  The roommate accepted the story without question, and didn't appear to notice the way the medical student peered obsessively inside his desk drawer.  

    He finally tore himself away Sheila's face to attend his 11 o'clock class.  When he returned at lunchtime, he found his roommate leaning out of the open window, looking ill.  “I think I have flu.  I’d best run to the pharmacy and pick up something for it,” the roommate said when he came in.  

       “Want me to take a look?” Tim asked, reaching for his bag.  

       His roommate turned white:   “No!  Thank you!  Don’t bother,” he gasped, practically running from the room.  

       Tim shrugged in exasperation, peered into the drawer at Sheila's face, and settled down to work on a paper he had due next week.  Downstairs, his roommate was on the phone with the police.   

     He  went ballistic when the police came with a warrant to arrest him.  They manhandled him out of his chair while a grim-faced officer took a look in the desk drawer.  When he saw the dead girl's face, the officer swore violently and vomited on the floor. 

   Tim was placed in the asylum with his father, who was locked away in a padded room next door.  Every day, while his enraged father tried to kill his attendants, the bereft boyfriend wept and stared out the window; seeing Sheila’s lovely face in the branches of a nearby tree.  The face seemed to sway to the rhythm of his father’s fists as his insane parent pounded and pounded at the walls.  

      Back in the dorm, the ghost of a young girl in a blood-stained dress still floats along the hallways, searching for her face.  

retold by - Ayssatou Ba &  S.E. Schlosser

Happy Halloween. ^_^

ME PART TWO

Side Note: Sorry I always backtrack into side notes. And interrupt what I'm going to post. But I am NOT a happy camper right now. This is a good way to rant my feelings and thoughts and then I'm going to sleep okay. Here is me part two:

    I HATE CATS LIKE A LOT THEY SCARE THE SHITS OUT OF ME AND THEY ARE CREEPY OKAY.

    I CRINGE WHENEVER I TYPE A POST ON MY PHONE AND I CAN'T JUSTIFY OR CENTER MY FORMATTING 

          

I ACTUALLY CRY A LOT BUT ABOUT STUPID STUFF LIKE MY FAVORITE SHOW ENDING OR PEOPLE HATING ME.

     I HAVEN'T HAD A MEANING FULL BIRTHDAY SINCE THE SECOND GRADE WHEN MY MOM BROUGHT A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE TO SCHOOL

MY DADS MOM PASSED AWAY THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY SO HE NEVER CALLS TO TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE HE'S STILL GRIEVING. SHE DIED 5 YEARS AGO.

MY OTHER GRANDMA WHO WAS PROBABLY THE ONLY OLD PERSON THAT I EVER LOVED TO BE AROUND DIED NOV 1ST 7 DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY 3 YEARS AGO.

YEAH I DON'T LIKE MY BIRTHDAY AND NO ONE EVER REMEMBERS SO ITS JUST ANY OTHER DAY REALLY.

MY PARENTS SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE TO BE MARRIED AND NEVER SEE THE OTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF CONSTANT TRAVEL AND DISTANTS (LOOK WHERE I GOT MY RELATIONSHIP INFLUENCES FROM  -_-)

I AM THE ONLY GIRL FROM MY MOM SO I GET A LOT OF SMACK BECAUSE I'M APPARENTLY TOO "AMERICAN" TO BE ONE OF THEM.

ON MY BIRTHDAY TWO YEARS AGO MY DAD CALLED AND TOLD MY MOM IF HE WERE TO EVER TRANSFER AND MOVE TO NYC HE WOULDN'T LURE WITH ME BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. 

WHEN IT COMES TO MY FAMILY I'M PRACTICALLY NUMB BECAUSE EVERYTHING THEY COULD'VE SAID WAS ALREADY SAID AND NOW NOTHING EFFECTS ME.

THE DAY I GRADUATE I AM LEAVING AND I'LL NEVER LOOK BACK AND ILL START THE LIFE ICE ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE.

SOMETIMES I THINK MY RELIGION DEFIES ME AND IS THE REASON I AM THE WAY I AM BECAUSE THE TOTAL BULLSHIT AND HYPOCRISY THAT COMES OUT OF IT JUST MAKES ME QUESTION EVERYTHING

REAL TALK:

I WOULDN'T DO DRUGS BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO GET SHIT FACED DRUG AND CALL MY MOM ONE DAY JUST TO PURPOSELY BREAK HER HEART FOR NEVER CARING ABOUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY  (WELL ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO ME)

IF I HAD SEX TODAY I HONESTLY WOULDN'T REGRET IT BECAUSE I WOULD KNOW THAT IT WAS MY CHOICE AND NO ONE FORCED ME INTO IT BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER FORCEFULLY DO SOMETHING I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT I HAVE A BURNING DISLIKE FOR HOLIDAYS BUT I'VE FAKED EXCITEMENT SO MUCH IN THE PAST 10 YEARS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I REALLY LIKE ANYMORE

ONE OF MY FRIENDS FROM MY SCHOOL CIRCLE KNOWS A REALLY HUGE SECRET ABOUT ME THAT I KNOW IS JUST EATING AT HER ON THE INSIDE BUT I'M NOT READY TO TELL ANYONE ELSE YET SO SHE'S GOTTA KEEP IT FOR A WHILE (SORRY I LOVE YOU <3)

I'VE DONE A LOT OF BAD THINGS IN MY LIFE AND I FEEL LIKE THEIR ALL BONES IN THIS DARK CHEST IN MY CLOSET AND THOSE ARE THINGS I JUST WONT EVER TELL ANYONE NO MATTER HOW CLOSE I GET WITH SOMEONE ITS NOT EVEN ABOUT TRUST I WILL BE LOOKED AT DIFFERENTLY AND ILL NEVER BE READY FOR THAT.

I RANT A LOT AND ITS REALLY BAD BECAUSE I COME OFF AS SOMEONE WHO HATES THE WORLD WHEN IN REALITY I JUST HATE NEW JERSEY

I AM INDIFFERENT ABOUT HALLOWEEN I DON'T KNOW WHY

I'VE HAD TWO BEST FRIENDS SINCE 5TH GRADE WHO TILL THIS DAY KNOW EVERY DETAIL ABOUT MY LIFE.

I'VE GAINED 4 BEST FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART AND I WOULDN'T SURVIVE THAT SCHOOL WITHOUT.

I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL BEST FRIEND WHO I BELIEVE SAVED MY LIFE REPEATEDLY AND WAS THEIR FOR ME FOR MY BIGGEST PROBLEMS AND I CHERISH HER ADVICE AND OPINIONS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE'S BECAUSE SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON I EVER TRUSTED IN HIGH SCHOOL ENOUGH TO OPEN MY LIFE UP TO AND I LOVE HER A LOT.

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME YOU WILL EVER SEE ME WRITE ABOUT BEST FRIENDS WHICH IS A CONCEPT THAT I DO NOT USE LIGHTLY ITS A TITLE THAT IS EARNED AND THESE 7 PEOPLE HAVE SHOWN ME THAT THEY CARE ABOUT ME. THEY ARE MY ACTUAL FAMILY. WITH THEM I DON'T FEEL LIKE A STRANGER IN MY OWN HOME .

IN TWO YEARS I WILL BE HAPPY AND THAT IS A GOAL I WILL MAKE HAPPEN.

xxxx.

-Ayssatou

To Someone Special....

Some times life takes unexpected turns and what was easy to comprehend before because harder to understand. You never really know the seriousness of something until it happens to someone you love. And then it happens and it's like your whole world is crashing all around you because of one symptom, one illness, one disaster and then what ? What do you do ? What can you do ? H-O-P-E. Something I talk about a lot. But it's hard to hope when your living in the I don't know. When you don't know whats going to happen. And it's hard to think positive when all you've ever heard and read about with these situations never end well. But you have to hope. Because through all these stories, all this grief, all the heart break comes miracles. People who are strong enough to push through it because they are surrounded by love. People who love them. People who hope and pray and love and hope and pray and love and repeat over and over again. Because in those times all you can do is hope. Hope that it'll pass. Hope that it never happened. Hope that they'll live through it. It's hard to be someone's crutch. To be the hand that they need to hold in such a dark time. It's hard to pretend to be optimistic and that everything will be okay when it doesn't feel like it. They're just things that have to done. You'll only scare the person if you show them how you feel about it. Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong....Repeat it over and over and over again. Stay strong.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: Join me in praying for my friends and their families through their ruff time right now. "Tough times never last, but tough people do".  - Robert H Schuller.  Stay strong <3

These are Beautiful (Respect Yourself)....

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the 

relationship with yourself -  Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and 

Being Free

The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going 

to let myself pull me down anymore. C. JoyBell C.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's 

own sunshine. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. ~W.C. Fields


Respecting yourself is a stepping stone to loving yourself. ~ 

Ayssatou

I Don't Know What To Write Here......

Hi guys yes I am aware that I haven't updated part three it's actually been a hard week and me writing about him right now will make me feel even lonelier than I already am. He wen back to Luxembourg on Tuesday so yeah....Anyways. Two things happened today One: My theater teacher gave my class an awkward sex lecture that basically told us all to get on birth control now so that we won't get pregnant and that we have to have our own box of condoms as girls because boys aren't trustworthy ( I actually died laughing) it was really ironic actually and I'll tell you why another day.

Okay second thing and basically the main topic is Yoga. I take yoga as a gym class at my school and for some reason every time I do yoga or I have an assignment for yoga it always ends up making me think. And I mean really think before it was what I like about myself (which I couldn't write. Today it was what I would want people to say about me at my funeral (another thing I couldn't write). It's such a random topic though like who thinks about that ? What would I want people to say about me at my funeral if I were to die....I have no idea. I know what I don't want people to say about me and that is "She was nice". Such a common funeral line "she was a good person". No I don't want that. Not that I'm not nice or a good person (although it is questionable) but it's such a dull thing to say. I want to be understood in such a way that someone who understood me and the way I think and act can truthfully talk about me. I want funny stories of adventures and jokes and silly mistakes and accidents that have happened in my life. I want to be remembered as someone who enjoyed everything they did and lived without regretting anything. I want to die happy, and be known for it. Is that too much ask ? I don't want anyone to cry at my funeral, I want them to laugh. I want my funeral to be a celebration of the life that I lived not a mourn over my death. It's really weird to think about though that when you die you'll be laying in a coffin while strangers get up to speak about how "nice you were". I don't know I just don't like that fact. I'm really weird sorry, and really random I know but something that crossed my mind. Any ways I will write about something more cheerful and or helpful later. Baaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii <3

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: I realized today that I actually over booked on a lot of things at the same time so I can't really update as frequently but I will try my best! "Peace Out Little Munchkins."

ME PART ONE....

So I can't sleep so I might as well right about me.. [ cause I obviously don't write enough about myself -_-] Any who this is me....

Things About Me

- I AM SIXTEEN YEARS OLD

- MY FAVORITE COLOR IS COLOR BECAUSE IT DEPENDS ON THE DAY/MY MOOD/ WHATEVER MY OUTFIT IS

- I AM AN INSOMNIAC

- I'M ALLERGIC TO NATURE PEANUTS, POSSIBLY CHOCOLATE AND I BELIEVE A SELECT AMOUNT OF PEOPLE

- I AM BI-POLAR AS HELL

- I AM IN DENIAL ABOUT BEING BI-POLAR

- I CAN BE A BITCH WHEN I WANT TO BE

- EVERY LITTLE THING ANNOYS ME AND I TRY TO HIDE IT DAILY

- I HATE MILK AND ANY WARM DRINK BUT I LOVE ANYTHING MADE OUT OF MILK AND I THINK THAT IF A BRITISH BOY EVER OFFERED ME TEA I'D DRINK IT IN A HEART BEAT

- I LIKE TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS

- I AM UNCLEAR ABOUT MY FUTURE BUT I KNOW THAT I WANT TO DO SOMETHING IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY

- MY FATHER IS AN INSOMNIAC

-THAT IS THE ONLY THING ME AND MY FATHER HAVE IN COMMON

- I AM AFRAID OF ANYTHING WITH A PENIS

- THE IDEA OF TAKING TO BOYS SCARE ME BUT I'M ACTUALLY REALLY FLIRTY SO I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WORKS IT JUST DOES

- GIRLS THAT ARE PRETTIER THAN ME INTIMIDATE ME 

- EVERY GIRL INTIMIDATES ME

- I TRY TO ACT LIKE I'M OKAY WITH EVERYTHING THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME BUT A MAJORITY OF THE THINGS ACTUALLY REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS AND THEN I GO HOME AND CRY LIKE A BABY ABOUT THEM

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE DOESNT LIKE ME

- I KNOW WHY I DON'T LIKE ME BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT

- I ALMOST THREW UP WHEN A BOY TOLD ME HE LOVED ME

- INSTEAD I KISSED HIM

- I THINK I'M FAT AND THAT WHOEVER TELLS ME I'M NOT IS A LIAR

- I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER 

- I USED TO GO HOME AND THROW UP ALL THE FAST FOOD I ATE WITH MY FRIENDS BUT THEN I GOT REALLY SICK AND SCARED SO I STOPPED DOING IT

- I'VE TRIED ALCOHOL ONCE, BUT I DIDN'T LIKE IT

- I'VE TRIED DRUGS ONCE BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT AND I PROMISED MYSELF NEVER AGAIN BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN THAT

- I WAS IN A DARK PLACE LAST YEAR

- I AM IN A BETTER PLACE NOW

- I LOVE MYSELF A LOT MORE THAN I EVER HAD BEFORE

- I FEEL MORE ACCEPTING OF LIFE

- I BELIEVE MY FRIENDS SAVED MY LIFE

- THERE WAS A TIME I WANTED TO DIE

- BUT NOW ALL I WANT TO DO IS LIVE

- I LEARNED THAT LIFE WAS WORTH FIGHTING FOR

- SOMEONE I TRUST TAUGHT ME TO MOVE FORWARD

- ALL I BELIEVE IN NOW IS THAT IT WILL GET BETTER

- AND IT HAS

Happy Free Confused and Lonely at The Same Time.....

I know I hate myself for making that my title also but it describes mood. As to why I'm quoting 22 right now is because I feel way older than I am right now. I don't know when you're around someone that more mature you tend to forget how old you really are so coming home was like a culture shock to me just not in the way the phrase is used. I've just had he greatest most easy weekend ever. I thought that today was going to be a hard stereotypical ice cream Netflix and sweats day but nope. I feel great, happy even. I didn't think I'd say this but I am so glad this happened. I realized that all the time and energy spent complaining about not having a boy friend or boys interested in me was a waste. I'm sixteen years old and getting a boyfriend shouldn't be the first thing on mind. Or at least getting a boyfriend that's on the other side of the world. I'm done over thinking that part of my life. It was an experiment and I realized its possible to care about someone a lot maybe even love them. But loving someone and not being able to live without them or be happy without them are two very different things. Positivity is a mood that I've set in my mind for this year. I'm going to be positive about distance. I'm going to be positive about family. I'm going to be positive about friends. I'm going to be positive about this play. I'm going to be positive about my future. And I'm going to be positive about love. My goals are set for the year and I plan on sticking to them. I feel like a huge chapter of my life was just closed and a new one, a better one is being written. As for Luxembourg well we'll see how it goes.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: To the people possibly reading this sorry but Part III will be up tomorrow due to the fact that I haven't slept in 48 hours. And I don't have the brain power at the moment to go down memory lane. Baaiiiii <3

Nothing Lasts Forever.....

I always try to choose the simplest of things to avoid going the hard way out. But I've learned that things don't always go as planned and happiness doesn't last as long as we hoped it would. i tried though I really did. I tried to be in good spirits and even today what was supposed to be a happy day is ominous wake up call. All I can think about is how miserable I'm going to be and how much I'm trying not to think. Thinking is the fire to our minds sometimes I look at the clueless none worried people that I know who don't have a care in the world and are always so happy (I'm obviously not friends with these people.) And I don't know I'm scared that if I turn my emotions off now I'm going to be guarded again and I've come along way from how I used to be. It doesn't make it any easier though. I realized something though; I realized than I can be happy. That it's possible anyway. Because this week was the first time in a long time that I was truly genuinely happy. So I know it exists. Tonight I'm going to long island and this is the last weekend for a while that I get to spend with someone who actually makes me really happy. So I need to shake off my dark thoughts and the mood that is bound to appear for at least the weekend. After this it'll only go downhill from here. I need to treasure the memory I guess. At least I know that there's someone who understands  where I'm coming from and she's in the same situation. It's great because this time I won't keep it in. I won't mask my emotions anymore. I refuse to act happy when I'm not. It's a stepping stone.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS; The Perfect Guy Part III will be up on Sunday I'm going on a no technology weekend. Baaiiiiiiiii

Sex.

First Something Completely Random.-I am so completely happy. For many, many, many reasons. The problem with me though is that I know sooner or later this happiness is going to end so I'm savoring it. I'm at a place where I don't feel anxious about everything, or that I have something due or a r=test I can't pass. I feel really good about myself physically and emotionally. I even have my PSAT tomorrow and I'm so pumped and ready. And yes I know I'm just sidetracking from talking about a very awkward topic but hey it never hurts to try! Okay so here goes...

So sex....Holy shit I haven't even started and it's already super awkward. Okay so as an adolescent and High School student this topic is a huge part of puberty itself. Yes boys do get it worse than anyone because the only thing that runs through their mind every minute of every day is sex, sex, sex, SEX! I remember my Freshmen year health class and my teacher was talking about hormones and puberty and sex and such and she said how girls don't ever actually think about sex or have sexual hormones until their early thirties. Well you know what that's a fucking lie. Sure with girls sex isn't always on our minds I mean we have a lot more important things to think about like clothes. But we do still think about it and whoever tells me they don't is lying. There is no way you've never thought about it and it's not even a big deal. It's human nature. I wonder at what point man decided that sex is this huge thing that everyone should be embarrassed about or almost a shamed of. Like no shut up you're going to do it eventually unless you're like asexual some shit like that [trust me it's a thing...just not the thing you're thinking of.] But like in general there will come a time where you meet someone and sparks fly and things happen and that little bee stinger goes into you're bird hole and BAM you're not a virgin anymore. As you can tell I have no idea what I'm talking about but you get the point. Okay so this is not a random thing that I just suddenly decided to right about because the sexual frustration is real. Now the thing is at what age is it okay to have sex ? Religiously everyone says wait until you get married and such and such. But with the society we live in today very few people care and even fewer people live by it. Some people have sex for the wrong reasons in the sense that they think it will somehow bring them closer to love, or being 'loved. And then they have sex with the wrong person just because you think that maybe if you have sex with them then they'll love you. The earliest age that someone I know had sex was at age 10. Which is way to young that's pre-puberty don't do that.  My personal opinion is that yes age is a factor but not so much that it affects you're decision. I think if you are really mature and in love and if you feel comfortable enough with your own body and your partners body then go for it. Like when it comes to sex I don't think it's right to judge anyone or that it's in anyone's place to tell someone that their to young to have sex. Unless it's for all the wrong reasons then help your friend. But you don't know what state someone is in and ultimately it's their decision so stop judging them. Because that's how trust is compromised. My best friend for almost seven years now just decided to tell me she lost her virginity almost a year ago. She didn't tell me sooner because she thought I was going to judge her or look at her a different way afterwards. And it's true I did but not because she had sex like that's not even a big deal to me but the fact that she didn't trust me enough to tell me. That only made me think like okay what was it about my behavior that made her think that I would judge her. It's really hard to tell your friend something if you already know how they'll react. So I think everyone needs to calm down about this whole sex thing it's scary and emotional and you have to be stable and ready when it comes time. And you have to be with the right person don't plan anything because that's stupid. Whatever happens happens, just don't get pregnant. This was a very weird conversation I feel like I've just had with my friends and internet strangers. Any who I've learned to stop over thinking things made my life much easier. Until next time!

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

Daily Inspirations....

Sidenote: Hi! I just wanted to say that the reason I haven't posted in a while is because the only topic in my head these days is just really awkward to write about. But it has to be done so I'm working on it, for now here are two quotes that strangely relates to that topic.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

“I don’t regret the things I’ve done, I regret the things I didn't 

do when I had the chance.” –Unknown

“Forget all the reasons it won’t work and believe the one 

reason that it will.” - Unknown

Clarity....

Sidenote: Last one I PROMISE. This just really reminded me of someone I love and their life was just basically explained in 3 paragraphs.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

“

Shrinking in a corner,

pressed into the wall;

do they know I’m present,

am I here at all?

Is there a written rule book,

that tells you how to be—

all the right things to talk about—

that everyone has but me?

Slowly I am withering—

a flower deprived of sun;

longing to belong to—

somewhere or someone.

”

   

 

                                                                

      - Lang Leav