Saturday, September 6, 2014

Senior Year....

I'm back! This has been a long time coming. It's been a while since the last time I posted here (a whole summer to be exact.). I don't know I just feel like so much has happened over the last few months and I really just didn't know how to word it all. There's just been this huge block in my mind of what I should be writing about and that kind of set me off course. But I miss this blog, this is where I started and I just miss coming here and writing about anything. There are so many drafts that I've written and have not published that will probably stay unpublished. I just feel like I wasn't writing the way I originally planned to and everything became too forced or written out of spite. And I've learned to not regret anything that I do anymore and not take things to heart as much. So much has happened this summer that I will post about later on when I have time. I'm happy to announce that the reason that I don’t have that much time anymore in that I recently got an internship for GlamST. If you don't know what GlamST is you should click here to go to my second blog I have several posts about it. GlamST a startup company that's been building up for the past two years now and they launch at the end of September. What it basically is it's a virtual makeup makeover for when you want to go to the store or order online for all the known beauty products. But the twist is if you upload a head-shot of yourself the generator will actually let you test out all the products to see how it would look on you. Then you don't have to test numerous amounts of makeup on your skin at stores. Also avoid ordering the wrong shades/products online. It's quick, it's easy and as soon as your done finding what you need you can actually check out and buy it right on the site. I think it's an insane idea there are so many cool features so everyone should definitely go check I out there'll be a link at the bottom. I'll explain more of what I'm going to do for them another day before this turns into a sponsored post. Moving on I started school today (or yesterday I guess considering it's almost four in the morning). And honestly I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying this but I feel pretty good about this school year. There's a weird shift of energy and I can't seem to put my finger on but everything seems more relaxed this year. With everyone focusing on college and classes (which I barely have) there isn't any time for pettiness. Let me explain what I mean by that. Senior year is basically the " I don't give a f*** year" (excuse my language). When you really think about it after this year I may never see a good majority of these people again. So there's really no point in stressing about drama or what’s going on between whom. Because we're all so involved with ourselves and colleges and stress that no one really has time to care. There are some things that are more important than others and I guess learning to let go is a huge factor in all this. I want to enjoy this year as much as possible. It's my last year doing theater and any sort of acting ever. Last year to spend time with my friends and family ( who I'll obviously still see just not everyday like I normally would). And weirdly my last year with my senior class who I've spent the last 3 years of my life with. So it's weird and everything's changing and I'm getting ready for the actual beginning of my life. Because everything I've done until now will mean absolutely nothing next year and that scares the crap out of me. But hey that’s' life and we just have to learn to deal with it. Anyways I will talk to you all (or myself because I'm still not convinced anyone's reading) sometime next week. Byyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Xxxxx.
-Ayssatou
PS: Here are the links again to the GlamST site there'll be a big media launch at the end of the month so keep your eyes peeled. And a link to my second blog because a lot of the things that I'm doing for them will be on there. See you soon <3 x.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Dear Whoever it is That Reads These...

My life has become this uncontrollable roller coster of emotion, and I'm not sure I can handle it anymore. I'm such an empathetic human being in the sense that positivity and optimism always seem to inspire me to do something great. Or atleast to want to do something great. Lately though I've become so consumed by the negativity surrounding me that I feel it slowly destroying me from the inside out. There are so many things that I still don't understand. I just can't shake the feeling that it isn't supposed to be this way, you know? I'm 17, all I do is go to school then go home. So why is everything so complicated? It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense anymore...The thing that I hate the most is not knowing. Yesterday I had a clear vision of how next year would end but now... Things are changing and I'm not quite sure I like the outcome.

xxxx
-Ayssatou

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Clean Slate....

A week ago I had this huge life changing epiphany (or so I thought) on how I'm going to be carefree and happy and no worries blah blah blah. But then I ruined my own new found mood by finding something that essentially broke my heart. I'm saying it's my fault because I was looking for something to find. It's human nature, and sometimes curiosity just gets the best of us. So the next day I stayed home from school because I physically couldn't get myself out of bed. When theirs so many different emotions stir-ing inside it's natural to just shut down. At least for me it's natural. But before that happened I was going to write this -

"In life their are heavy moments where you just have to take a deep breathe and move on. Sometimes it's hard to start new and erase everything that's happened in the past. But sometimes it's necessary. Because no matter how many good memories their were, you always find yourself thinking about the bad. And that's not healthy, for either parties. People naturally drift apart and you can't really do anything about that. Just learn to accept the past and look forward to the future. There have been so many lessons that I've learned over the last few weeks. I've learned that you can't make people change just because you want them to. I've learned that somethings and some people are just not worth stressing over. I learned to keep an open mind and always give everyone a chance. Because life is short, and sometimes you don't know what someone is going through. And I learned that it's okay, not to be okay. And I wasn't okay. I felt extremely stressed and overwhelmed. It felt like everything that happened was this huge deal, and it wasn't. I woke up this morning and it was like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel so light, and free, and just alive! "

Word for word that was the draft of what I was feeling. So many things have happened in this past week alone that I'm starting to realize why. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes you need a negative impact to finally be able to open your eyes. "It's okay" That's the lesson that I learned today. That it's okay. It's okay to feel the pain of a betrayal. It's okay to cut someone who was making a negative impact in your life out. It's okay to dream big and get looked down on for it. It's all okay. Because at the end of the day the only person who needs to be okay is me. And I'm okay. I'm truly 100% okay. I've finally learned to let go. Obviously I didn't learn by myself because that's like saying I finally did something for myself. (I'm working on it.). But I just stopped worrying about all the people who don't love me and embracing all the people who do. There are people who love me. They love me for being myself and I know that no matter what they will always love me. Because they've seen me at my best, and at my worst. And they're still here. I refuse to let anyone walk over or emotionally destroy me. I have no more pent up feelings of the past, or resentment or regrets in general. I honestly don't even care anymore. I'm content with my body, my life, my family and my friends. I will be open to anything and everything. No more shutting the door and building the walls that I felt so safe hiding behind. My friend who I've missed sent me something that changed my perspective on life. This is a message for anyone and everyone. Whether your going through a breakup (or you feel like you are for the second time. Whether you've just lost a 'friend' or someone close to you. Whether you feel like you're playing the game of life and losing. This will get you through it. Just remember its okay. This was posted by life buzz and it's called just-stop. I highlighted the ones that helped me get over everything.

#1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

#2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

#3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

#5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

#6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

#7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

#8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

#9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

#10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.

#11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

#12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

#13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

#14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

#15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

#16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

#17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

#18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

#19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

#20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.

#21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

#22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

#23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.

#24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.

#25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn't be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

#26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

#27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.

#28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

#29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.


#30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

I basically highlighted the whole thing but you get my point here. I hope this can help you shed some light on your life. If you're ever feeling down or stuck or under appreciated. Just-Stop.




xxxx.
- Ayssatou














Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Not So Happy Statement....

Chances are that you won't know where this is from. And today was such an off day for me. But I really love the way this was written...so....yeah.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Revisiting (New Years) Resolutions.....

Hey guys, I'm sorry it's been so long. A lot of exciting things have been happening lately and I will try my best to post about them through out the week. I feel guilty since I've been extremely active on my other blog (click here if you haven't visited). I think part of the reason is that I've been consuming and distracting myself from so many other things. My theater show is next week ( The Laramie Project by Moises Kaufman at High Tech High school click here to buy tickets). And I am extremely excited, yet painstakingly nervous for it. The show ends next Saturday, March 8th, after that I am all yours I promise. Anyways in the beginning of the year I wrote a list of my "New Years Resolutions". And obviously I didn't see all of them through. But I did accomplish some of the important ones so let's go through the list again shall we.

-  Never break the bond that I have with my friends 
A few complications with this one. But I'm trying I swear I am. I love and care about all my friends but sometimes I like to keep to myself. I don't have an actual reason anymore I think it's just a state of comfort. My anxiety has been getting a lot worse lately and being alone sort of helps. But these are my own issues and I don't blame my friends for any of it. (for the most part  )

- Stop doubting myself
Boy I learned this the hard way.I had a realization that a good majority of the time when I feel guilty or anxious about something. I start to doubt my own opinions and instincts. Or if I genuinely feel that I'm right about something that may be affecting someone else I will re-think my own actions. There's never been a moment where I haven't caved and let go of my opinions and just admit to someone else being right. Because it's the guilt switch in my mind that tells me "Well if they say you're wrong then you must be wrong". And in most instances that isn't the case. I've really invested my mind into breaking this habit. Because it doesn't feel right to me anymore.

- Make a decision about my relationship.
Oh boy do I have a story for you. Not now obviously but as you know I did make a decision about my relationship. I stand by it strong and I don't regret it. Because in my heart I know I made the right decision. But It doesn't mean I've had an easy time going through it. Anyways this is a story for another day. No need to be getting emotional this late on a Monday.

- lose weight (cliche) 
Ha ha let's not even go there. I am trying to be healthier though. Spring is coming and Prom is just 2 months away!

- weekly update my blog 
As you know I failed BIG TIME on this resolution. I've been so insanely busy  with the show, and putting the new blog out there. Also making the website, then breaking the website. And then fixing the website AGAIN. It's been a tough two months. But I promise after the play all my energy and focus will be on blogging, marketing and college.

- Work on college stuff with guidance and  make a final decision
I am very excited to say that I have made a decision on where  I want to go to college. You would never believe that I would actually pick a college that's close to home but this one in particular caught my attention.Besides I'm dorming so I'll be fine. Me and my mom have gotten a lot closer since the new year started. I finally opened up a lot to her. And I decided that I don't want to be to far from her.  I will write about my whole college trip and experience probably sometime this week. As for now you can guess which college it is. Here's a few hints
  • It has two different campuses in NYC
  • There is a major in Entertainment-Marketing
  • It's the #1 leading college when it comes to Internship and Job opportunities
  • I will be traveling a lot because of my major/program

- Pass the SAT's with at least a 1900
My SAT is in June so not even worried yet.

- Cut the negative energy out of my life. Including the people who bring it in.
I'm in the process of doing this. I really haven't gave a fuck lately (pardon my french). I just honestly don't care anymore when it comes to unnecessary drama. Life shouldn't be this complicated at seventeen. And all the childish petty little things that have been going on have little interest in me. I'm at a point where if someone doesn't like me or the way that I am they can just go screw themselves because I won't change for anyone. Scratch that. I won't change for anyone who won't change for me.

- Stop putting other peoples needs and feelings ahead of my own
I'm a very empathetic person. So I feel like this is one of the harder things that I have to do. Only because when it comes to people I care about I tend to worry a lot. And it's at a point where now its affecting the people around me in a negative light. The constant fear that if I say something wrong or do something that will inevitably affect my other friends. And it's destroying me from the inside out. All my emotions and pain and worries are just bottled up inside me. So right now I feel like I'm at a breaking point. My worst nightmare is that before the year ends I will explode and let all my feelings out. That will literally be the day my conscious disappears because I will not have a filter. I will be this huge hurricane tornado thing that will wreck anyone and anything in my path. So I need to start actually speaking my feelings instead of writing it down. (sorry) That's what I believe is the only way for me to break this habit.

- Never regret a decision.
I've actually been good on this one. I haven't really regretted anything I've done this year. No matter how harsh or brutal I was/had to be. I don't regret it. Because I did it for me. I realized that there was one thing I would always neglect. And that was me. I learned that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. 

- Take space and work on me. Not we...
This goes for everyone. Not just my boy complications. But I really need to take space from everyone when this show is done. Friends and family. I need to take a breather and figure out how I can accomplish the things that I want to do. I've set pretty high goals for myself for the next five years of my life. And I need to focus. Of course I won't shut anyone out. I've worked too hard to open up. This is just something I will do during my own personal time. Sometimes it's good to just stay at home and re-evaluate your life.

All in all it's going to be (hopefully) a good year. I've been applying to a lot of blogging things. And joining a lot of sites so get on my website to see what I've been doing! also ANNOUNCEMENT I just recently teamed up with amazon and Hubpages. So that's why there are so many ads and stuff on my page. I am in the process of setting up my own audible with them which I'm so super excited about. Audible if you don't already know is a site owned by Amazon where you can go and listen to books. If you already have an Amazon account you can get your first audio book free. I personally recommend The Fault in Our Stars which I finally finished. It was just THE BEST BOOK EVER. So everyone should go check that out here . And with that I will end with my favorite quote from the book. 

“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.” 


xxxx.
-Ayssatou

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Advice of the Day...


“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often 

find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to 

share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be 

silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief 

and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the 

reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Advice of The Day

Once you know exactly who you are, 

other peoples perceptions of you will carry no 

weight.

 Self belief brings with it total freedom 

Monday, February 17, 2014

Everything in Life is Temporary....

Random Post:
Everything in life is temporary. And to think of it everyone is also. Life is so preciously short that it doesn't even make sense to stress the mini details. What's the point in trying to change someone ? Why would you try to go out of your way to make someone into a better perception of how you "think" they should be. Who are you to do that ? And I'm being hypocritical because I try to do this all the time. Something else is that everyone's a hypocrite. I haven't met a single human being that wasn't one. The only difference between hypocrites is that  some people own up to it. And those are the people that I respect the most. So new goal of the year guys don't stress the little things. Don't even worry about what other people call you out on. Because everyone's a hypocrite. And life is too short to dwell on. Pretty much none of this made sense but if you get it I love you. Goood night ❤️

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

Ps: If you haven't read the last post I started a fashion blog which you can check out. The link will be at the bottom. I'm sorry about the website I know it was working one day and I touched something and basically broke it. So I'm just going to get someone to help me with that (comment if you know anyone ) I'm trying to get all that stuff up and running before I travel in April. There's just so much to do so bare with me please. Again thank you so much for even bothering to keep reading I love you all.

Fashion Blog: Fashionreposts.blogspot.com
Instagram: AyssaStyle
Twitter: @ayssastyle

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Friday, January 31, 2014

Calling All Book Nerds......

So these two book bloggers Krystal and Rachel are having a 250+  Book give away over the next three months. If you love to read and you haven't had a good book in a while. Especially since Barnes and Noble decided to close down everywhere around you. ENTER THIS CONTEST AND GET FREE BOOKS.

Here's What The Contest Is About-
There are 250+ books up for grabs. Krystal and Rachel have been saving up books for this special occasion. Both of them are giving away 80 books to two winners and every day February, March and April there will be a special guest author giving away signed books. In total everyone receives 210 chances to win!
That is just a little bit about the contest. So, What do you think? Pretty cool Huh? Well I thought so. Just think if you win a few of those books you could potentially have this.

Quite possibly the coolest bookshelf I've ever seen in my life. (If you couldn't already tell I'm kind of a nerd.)

Anyways hope on over to their site and enter to win!!! (P.S. Tell Them I sent you and to check my blog out!!!).

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

We're Moving....(Kinda).....

It's finally happening everyone we are moving.(kinda, sort of, not really but yeah). Like I said before big things are happening this year and the first is we got our own website!!!!!! Things are changing, but in some ways staying the same. Any important updates and information now will be posted on the home of the site. This blog is actually linked to the site so there really isn't that big a difference. Except now there are more things to do. I've also recently created a fashion blog (which is a trial run to see if I like doing it or not.). It's a fashion repost blog of things I like to buy/wear/admire. I really don't want to give much away because I want you all to go and check out the site. And if you're already here HIIIIIIIIII :). New friends are coming, old friends are fighting. And yet the world hasn't ended yet so go over and CHECK IT OUT.


xxxx.
- Ayssatou

TO GO TO OUR NEW LOCATION -> click here (you know you want to ;)

TO VISIT THE FASHION BLOG CLICK HERE CAUSE YOU CAN


Thursday, January 30, 2014




UPDATE: Bloglovin

I've officially joined BlogLovin and lots of other stuff our in process also...including the location of this blog. So check it out...
<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/11686451/?claim=67e6rqd87h7">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I'm Not Writing About Myself Anymore....

Well okay that's not completely true. But I am done complaining about my life. I'm done whining about every little problem I have because I'm not the only one. There are people in the world who have worse problems than I do. I can't dwell on every single issue I have. Everyone has issues. No ones problems are greater than mine, but not one of my problems are greater than anyone else either. I don't have the right to compete and compare problems with my own friends. Because every single one of them go through things of their own and I can't make everything about me. It's hard to be sensitive to other peoples feelings when you're going through things, I understand that. But if they take the time to listen to my problems and let me talk about me. Then I at least have to pay them the same decency, and not have the state of mind that I have it worse. Because I don't. Everyone's problems are different, and you can't possibly feel what someone else is going through unless you've been in their shoes. My mother told me that its good to feel empathetic with the people around you. It shows that you care. But that advice has also screwed me up and some of my decisions. I've realized that I have a tendency to bring everything I do in a negative light. And I'm working on it, I really am. But I'm done apologizing for my feelings/opinions. Because I hold back a lot on some of the things that I want to say. But at the same time I want to be sensitive of everyone's feelings. And none of it makes sense  when I say it out loud. But in my head it does. I guess this is the year where I try to find a middle ground for all that. 

Anyways I have sidetracked enough for one post. I just wanted to say that very big things are coming for this blog. I am renovating if not completely moving this site. I have a lot of ideas on what it is that I want to do with my blog. I'm also going to be more consistent with my posts. I haven't quite chosen a day yet but I will make sure I post once a week on a given day. That will (hopefully) bring my life to a steady order. I'm moving completely into an advice blog with a random twist of life and my new found fashion interests. (at least that's what I want to do in my mind). I'm not marrying any of my ideas right now because (as you know) I tend to change my mind a lot. I promise to still keep you updated on anything life changing, and things that just bother me. I'm moving this into a huge part of my social media life as well (i.g. twitter, Facebook, and Instagram). Which is extremely scary, but a step I have to/want to take. But overall I am extremely excited. I feel like I'm slowly figuring out  what it is that I want to do with my life and you guys are a big part of that. Everything should be up and done by either the beginning or mid-February (Be patient theirs a lot I have to do!). Don't freak out if one day the site changes and the next day its something  completely different!!! I will be experimenting a lot over the next few days. But if you've made it this far I just wanted to say thank you so much and I hope you will continue to keep emailing me all your opinions. I appreciate every single one of your advice and support. Here's to new beginnings !


xxxx. 
- Ayssatou 

Raise Your Hand If This is/ Was You.....

"The Fault in Our Stars". Is changing my life in the best way....

Friday, January 3, 2014

"The trouble with having an open mind, of 

course, 

is that people will insist on coming along and 

trying 

to put things in it"

~ Terry Pratchett

Thursday, January 2, 2014

T.P.G Part 5: The Final Chapter....

Okay last update on this story. It's going to be long and happy and sad and confusing and some of you might not even understand. But I need to get this all out of my system. Please be patient with me and understand the inevitable. Their are some pieces to the story missing because those are memories that I've cherished so much over the past 6 months. Memories that I'm not ready to taint with the knowledge of others because of how precious they are to me. These are the moments that I'm willing to share. I regret nothing. So without further a do here is " The Perfect Guy Part Five: the Final Chapter...."

When Tom left in August I-was-a-wreck (to put it lightly). I was a mess of tears and emotions and I couldn't function. I felt empty. And pathetic, very, very pathetic. It was weird because I've never had to deal with those kinds of emotions before. It was overwhelming and there was a time where I felt like my insides were going to explode. But I couldn't show it. I couldn't show signs of momentary distress because I wasn't allowed to answer the question "Whats wrong ?". No I wasn't allowed to say what was on my mind because it was forbidden. My family kept my emotions prisoner in my room. Boys aren't allowed. I wasn't allowed to have a crush or like someone in that way. At least not yet. And especially someone who wasn't brought up from the same culture that I am. It's forbidden. And its ludicrous to buy into that garbage. But I still live here, so I had no choice. There was so much going on at that point in my life and I felt like I was doll trapped in a box. I had no outlet no one that I felt secure enough in any of my friendships to go to. I only started opening up to one of my friends. Slowly, but it was still progress. By the end of September I let them all in. I still talked to Tom. Everyday for the rest of August. He was my rock. I exposed myself completely to this one person and I was scared. I was in a battle with myself. A battle that I knew I couldn't win. So when Tom came back in October I opened up my box again. He was only here for a week. And I can still say that was the greatest week of my life. I remember how nervous I was to see him. I will always be nervous to see him. He looked great and he wore a smile that would forever melt my heart. And now I'm getting cliche but I don't care because whenever I was with him we were always Ayssatou and Tom. Nothing more, nothing less. We went to dinner and he payed for the whole thing. He refused to let me pay for anything that whole night. We caught each other up on whatever we weren't able to say over Skype or whatever we forgot to say. It was nice to see him again, to really see him. After we walked through Time square and he held my hand. We went to see a movie we barely watched and then we just got lost together. And he never let go of my hand. Through any of it, he never let go until he absolutely had to and I was on a bus home. That was something I will never forget.

I spent whatever time I managed to have with him. When I wasn't busy with all my activities and him in school. 

Friday night we wen't to my uncles house in Long Island..... 

Saturday morning my cousin threw a party......

Saturday evening we were alone.....

Sunday afternoon he told me he loved me.....

 Tuesday morning he was gone. 

" I. Love.You" words that to this day I still don't understand. Words that I wasn't able to return. The next week was horrible. I tried so hard not to cry at school I really did. But some point in that week I spent whole period sobbing in the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. My friends tried distract me in every way that they could but even they couldn't fully understand what was going on. I felt them giving up on me. I couldn't blame them. How do I expect to ever feel better when I can never say whats on my mind ? The next few times I talked to him he was anxious but hopeful. Extremely hopeful and I didn't know how to react or deal with it. The day of my birthday I get airmail from Luxembourg. Inside is a bracelet a beautiful colorful bracelet that changed my day immensely. My birthday was finally my birthday again and it was all thanks to Tom. The next six days were hard. He's never pressured me into doing anything I didn't want to do. And he's never asked anything of me. But he wanted to be with me. Officially and completely. The whole thing made me anxious. Our whole relationship made me anxious actually. Because I could never really comprehend why someone as beautiful, gentle and kind hearted as him could ever see something in me. Why me?. I've asked my self this for the last month and a half. Quite honestly I was afraid to know the answer.  I was always anxious and unsure about the idea of their being an 'us'. On November 14th 2013 I gave into my own fears and we made it official. On January 2nd 2014 I decided to end it.

It was a decision that I've been contemplating for half the time of the relationship. There are so many factors that came into this decision but inevitably I just became tired. Having the same arguments and being so far apart. But that was never the reason why it wouldn't have worked. (okay it was part of the reason). I doubted the relationship...a lot. I even yelled at my friend for a reason beyond stupid. I just wasn't sure why he chose me. On Saturday I heard I'ts impossible to love someone when you can't even love yourself. Not even going to sugar coat it  I was watching the ending of Awkward . But anyways I know now what I didn't know then. And that is that I do love Tom. But I can never tell him that.  I needed this. I needed him to give me the confidence that I have today. When I first started talking to him I was a prisoner of my own mind. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't love anyone. And I most definitely couldn't open up to anyone. Tom was the key to my cage. He made me stronger and more confident. Butt most importantly, he made me free. I feel like a different person and making him stay with me would have been selfish. Because I could never love him correctly. There's a debt I have to him that I could repay. I owe him so much for the advice he's given me for the past year and always being the shoulder that I needed to cry on. We have beautiful and wonderful memories that I will forever cherish. And he will always be one of my closest friends. But he was the last chapter of  that part of my life. My prince charming. Now I can close that book and start a new one. Starting with this year. This is the year where I work and focus on myself for a change. I will try not to be afraid to take risks and I will figure out who I am. Who I want to be.  And I won't regret any decision I've ever made again. This is the year where I find me....

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Years Resolutions...

2013 is over (Thank God). It's a new year and it's time to start again fresh as they say. So many amazing things have happened to me last year and as many good things came horrible stories as well. But I refuse to sulk, dwell, and dope on those things. Time to press that restart button and make this year a good one. So now I will share with you my New Years resolutions. It's funny because I had this same conversation yester..last....a few hours ago. With my friend about how posting new year new me is just completely false and in my opinion overrated. But I have the same resolutions every year hoping that one year I'll magically SUPRISE myself and make them happen.
Okay here goes nothing...
 - Reconcile my relationship with my father.
 - Have more confidence
 - Treat every single person I know the way that I want to be treated (no matter how bitchy they can be.)
 -  Never break the bind that I have with my friends 
- Stop doubting myself
- Make a decision about my relationship.
- lose weight (cliche) 
- weekly update my blog 
- Work on college stuff with guidence and  make a final decision
- Pass the SAT's with atleast a 1900
- Cut the negative energy out of my life. Including the people who bring it in.
- Stop putting other peoples needs and feelings ahead of my own
- Never regret a decision.
- Take space and work on me. Not we...

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

PS: HAPPY NEW YEAR I HOPE YOU (whoever you are) HAVE A FANTASTILICAL YEAR!!!!