New Beginnings...

Hello there, I know its been a while but a lot of things have happened to me and quite recently I've had an epiphany of some sorts. I guess what I'm saying is I'm at a better place then I was two weeks ago. I spent all of yesterday until probably 3 in the morning fixing my room (yes it was that messy) and I just went through so many old memories and papers and I found my moms diary. I know what you're thinking but this was a journal from when I was in fourth grade and I was a little curious so I read thought the beginning. 

An excerpt from my mothers journal

- November 2006

This entry goes to my lovely daughter. Today Aisha's teacher called me and told me what a cool daughter I have. She said she's polite and very well mannered and just a pleasure to have in class. They made her class messenger because she believes she is very responsible [ Ok I'm just going to jump in for a minute I am the most irresponsible person ever and its not by choice just bad things always happen to me when given a big job and I don't know but this was just the beginning of the year.] I am so proud of her she told me she wants to start learning how to cook and have household duties.

                                                                                                                                          

                                                                                                                                              - Ndorine

So this really upset me in ways you can't even understand because my mother had so much faith in me. But that was the year that everything that's ever gone wrong in my life up to this point started there. Later on that year we had a new teacher and she hated me. Whatever happened I'd get in trouble for and that was the first year ever that I've failed. After that every year just kept getting worse and worse. All I've ever wanted to do was make my mom proud of me and now here we are. Anyways reading it really gave me a push In the right direction. This year is going to be different. This year I'm going to be different I need to focus these are my last two years before college and ever moment counts. I'm not only going to make my mom proud of me but I'm going to make myself proud of me. I fought hard to get into the high school of my choice and now I have to fight hard to stay in it. So here's to new beginnings!

                                                                                                                                      

                                                                                                                                                             xxx.
                                                                                                                                                 - Ayssatou

Today was a good day...

Seeing my friends have always been one of the only things that make me happy. I actually can't wait to go back to school.

                                                                   xxx.                                                                              

Someone Is Watching Me....

OK so I know I've covered my topic and views on God and religion and stuff but like I was really lucky tonight. Now before you automatically judge me please know that I was starving. I was a starving girl, who loves food. That's like tying a whole football team to the goal after a game and eating pizza in front of them. My mind was in hunter mode and I needed food, fast. So it's 12;40 AM and I am out on the street on a quest for food with $3.00 to my name. This was legitimately 4 hours ago and the thing is I live in a very strong Hispanic populated city 89% of the people who live here are Hispanics. And I'm not trying to discriminate or anything by saying that I'm just trying to say that old pervy Hispanic men like to walk the streets of my town at these times and they harass and rape girls and it's just horrible. So here I am so hungry that I don't even give a crap and I'm i my shorts white shirt and a black good walking around like it's no body's business and looking for food.  So after figuring out that the one store that supposedly closes at "1:00" already closed 20 minutes before (assholes) all I could think of was McDonald's. Being literally the only 24 hour place around me I had to walk 10 blocks at almost 1 AM to McDonald's just because no one wanted tp feed me (jk I didn't like what they made for dinner, my parents aren't that cruel) I am sixteen years old and I am not ashamed to admit that I'm a dumb ass. I don't think and I do whatever rash idea comes into my head. So I'm walking to McDonald's and there's yet another thing I forgot to think about, there are clubs all around me for the next 10 blocks (wow what a coincidence.). So now there are old pervy drunk men stumbling out of the clubs looking at me WATCHING ME walk to McDonald's. And they're so discussing whistling and howling and calling me over. And still me being the complete idiot I am held my head up and just kept walking. The weird thing is I think it helped that they we're to drunk to cross the street and come over to me. So to get to the actual McDonald's I have to cross this huge highway like street and for the love of god there we're only vans big white scary vans passing me by. THIS SI NOT A JOKE I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS. Terrified every scary movie I've ever watched flashed before my eyes and I felt paralyzed. So I just made a run for it and I get ti McDonald's order and all that good stuff (The cashier was confused and I don't know. Have you never seen a girl buying McDonald's at 1 AM ?) So after I've finally eaten (did I forget to mention I haven't eaten since yesterday ? Yeah that's how hungry I was.) After finally getting some food into my system I realized that now I have to walk 10 blocks back home and cross that crazy street. Yeah to top it off it suddenly started drizzling. Yupp God is funny. So while I was walking back the same men from the club came out again and this time they were actually stumbling over to me. I felt like my whole world was in danger and I was this little bubble that they wanted to come over and poke. I was in the sense scared as fudge balls. And that's when something amazing (I guess) happened. Before they got to me it started to rain really really hard like bat shit crazy windy rain for like 5 seconds and they ran back inside. And then....it stopped.   Now as you can tell I am very confused and I believe that someone is watching me and helping me out there somewhere. I won't say it's god because that'll be contradicting myself, but it is a maybe. Whatever it was I ran home and I was just so grateful. So today's lessons are if you're 16 don't walk around a dangerous town/area at 1 in the morning to look for food.  I mean You'll survive one night of living hunger then traumatized death. Thank you to whatever helped I am grateful. Any who it almost 5:30 and my sleeping schedule sucks! Goodnight <3

xxx.

- Ayssatou

Friends...

A friend like you is like no other friend

A friend like you is a friend i don't regret meeting 

A friend like you is like a friend i cant scream at or fight with

A friend like you is like having no worries in my life

A friend like you is a friend that i don't want to lose

A friend like you is like being in comfort all day

A friend like you is a friend i always wanted

A friend like you is awesomely awesome

A friend like you is random and funny

A friend like you is a friend that i love to death and i will never let go

A friend like you is a friend i can tell all my secrets to

A friend like you..

A friend like you is like the little sister ive always wanted

A friend that i can go to to tell them whats wrong

A friend like you is like having no dark days because you brighten them up

A friend like you is a friend that opens up my eyes and helps me avoid bad things

A friend like you is a type of friend that laughs at dumb things i say or do

A friend like you is a friend i am proud to call my best friend... 

xxx.

- Ayssatou

Daily Inspirations....

One of my all time favorite Hemingway quotes....

xxx.

- Ayssatou

Youtube Vlogs...

the internet draws up the
apocalypse
like a man
in the
morning
pulling up
tight pants
like a woman with a bra
strap
that won’t go over
her shoulder
like a gasping animal
 -Anon

OK so I haven't really blogged that much lately and the whole reason for this is because of YouTube.  Yes I am obsessed with You tuber's and their vlogs. I don't know ever since this video Troye Coming Out [ Troye Sivan is perfection] anyway's ever since watching this a few days ago I've been absolutely hooked. But not just him, Marcus Butler, Alfie, Caspar Lee, Zoella, Thatcher Joe and so many more. And of course after watching the many vlogs and completely shutting my self out from having a social life over the past 3 days I realized how freaking cool would it to be a famous You Tube vlogger? I mean you're getting paid (from You Tube) for making video vlogs about you're life, make-up, challenges, covers and just funny things in general. Like if I wasn't so afraid of showing my face in a video I  totally would do it. I don't know maybe I will (just not now). 

xxx.

- Ayssatou

Daily Inspirations...

I absolutely live by this quote..

I believe in pink.

 I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. 

I believe in kissing, kissing a lot.

 I believe in being strong

 when everything seems to be going wrong.

 I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. 

I believe that tomorrow is another day and

 I believe in miracles.

 

- Audrey Hepburn 

THANK GOD.

Meeting my Idols....

I'm not the way that I used to be

I took the record off repeat

You killed me but I survived

And now I'm coming alive...

Yesterday I met some of my biggest idols/inspirations, Fifth Harmony. i know it's crazy, and far fetched and just down right impossible but they're living the dream I have always wanted. So  I don't exactly know what to do with my life like I always tell my family that I want to be a lawyer. Don't get me wrong part of me actually really does want to be a lawyer but some reason deep down I know I'm just saying it to make them happy. All I really know is I have a such a huge passion for the arts singing, and acting and possibly directing/stage managing. I know it's going to be hard to get anywhere but that's why I want to move to L.A for college. 3000 miles away and the freedom to pursue my dreams. These girls inspire me so much and they are just so incredibly beautiful and sweet, I got a chance to talk to them and they we're just the nicest people. I don't know where i'm going in life but I have time (I hope) I just want to do what I love. If that's a crime then sue me.

                                         xxx.

 - Ayssatou

Daily Inspirations....

True beauty is undefinable, it has no form. Stop trying to put a label on what you THINK Is beautiful. Stop believing the propaganda that try's to tell us what beauty is. True beauty is recognized with the heart of an individual, not the judgmental eyes of an entire society. This is your reality and There are no clearly defined edges. this beauty that is awe-inspiring lies in our own experience, Not in what other people think. If you think your beauty can only be justified by the approval of others, then guess what... Your beauty will only be justified by the approval of others....how terrible to live a life under a microscope of constant judgement. As Bob Marley puts it, "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds." When you stop being judgmental towards others then you subconsciously give your self permission to decline when other people judge you. Talk about being comfortable in your own skin. How liberating! #teamInspire

                                                                                                  

                                                                                                    -Drew Michael Chadwick 

Religion...

You need to pray as soon as you wake up

                                                                                                                                                                You need to ask god to forgive you're bad behavior

                                                                                                                                                              You need to follow in the words of god

                                                                                                                                                                  If you don't then you need to leave

                                                                                                                                                                    You don't belong here

                                                                                                                                                                  God doesn't want you here

                                                                                                                                                                    We don't want you here...

                                                                 -My family

I didn't want to bring this topic up, I really didn't but the hypocrisy of religion has finally gotten to me. Like i've said before i can't even breathe without the concept of religion being shoved down my throat. My family is Muslim  the thing about being Muslim is you're required to pray 5x a day on specific time. I used to love my religion, i cherished it, honored it and the times and god. But a series of unfortunate events that have hit me in my life have just made me realize that it's worthless. All of it. What's the point in praying to a god that never answers. That never helps or shows mercy. It's just my opinion but i believe every religion that prays to god is praying to the same god and still nothing. Or maybe he just turned his back on me. Because while I was sick and deformed I never had any help from him. When I had to be sent to Africa for month's so they can "fix" me he never heard my pleas. When all i wanted in the world was to go home and be normal he never saved me. No god turned his back on me first so frankly I don't give a damn. I don't pray, not because there's nothing to pray for but because there's no one listening  And if someone out there is listening he/she isn't helping. So what's the point ?  I know i sound like a whining atheist but i'm not an atheist  I believe in god. I know for a fact that he's there. What I don't believe is that he'll ever help me. 

         xxx.

- Ayssatou

Something Inspiring...

Rock bottom 

                                                                                  became the solid 

                                                                       foundation on which 

                                                                                 I rebuilt my life

                                                                                      - J.K Rowling

Midnight Rage...

Today there is no school
                                                                                                                                                                  It'll be vacation for the next eight weeks
                                                                                                                                                                    How she'll survive, she doesn't know
                                                                                                                                                                     She wonders how she did it every other year...

Do you know what's not fair ? Living with a parent that never listens to you. Like ever. Sometimes it feels like I can tell my mom something about a hundred times and she would still say I never told her. Well mom the only reason you think that is because you don't listen. You never listen. It's like you share no emotion or interest to any word I've ever uttered in this lifetime.  I love my mother but talking to her is like talking to a brick wall, unresponsive and unhelpful. Not only that but when I actually do go to for something important, some of my deep emotional conflict or problems she won't take it seriously, nor would she ever understand. "You're not American so stop acting like you have their problems." and lets not forget her number one answer to everything "Just pray and all you're troubles will go away. Give yourself to the hands of god" Well what if I don't want to give myself to god huh mother ? What if I don't trust the one that you have such great faith in? Every problem I've ever had I've had to fix on my own. God did nothing for me so why should i trust him? Yes there are many moments that I hope and pray that someone out their a force or even god himself is on my side and helping me make my life better but there isn't. I grew to learn that the hard way. So now when I've been coupe'd up in this house never stepping a foot outside because where would I go right ? my friends are all out of town and I'm not even allowed to leave my house without a weeks notice. Tomorrow one of my favorite bands from England is coming to NY for a concert and I want more than anything to go. But of course I can't. Not only have I told my mother but I've told almost everyone in this house hold but nothing right. No one wants the prisoner to have fun, not even for a day. Oh well I guess I'll sleep off my depression and tears. Thanks god.

           

                                                                                                                                                                                                               xxx.

                                                                                                                                                                                                    -Ayssatou

College...

I close my eyes and listen to the sounds:

                                                                                                                                                                                                    Whispering, laughing, pages of textbooks turning,

                                                                                                                                                                                                          Someone typing on a laptop, eating a sandwich,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Some girl rap-singing the same line over and over again

                                                                                                                                                                                                            “Positivity is the key to life’s lock. Positivity is key. Put that on repeat.”

So I had this sudden dawning realization that in exactly 2 years from now I'm going to college. TWO.YEARS. There's so much I have to do this year it's insane. To most teens college is a scary part of life where  you're parents kick you out and tell you to face the world on you're own. To me college is freedom, happiness, the soon to be greatest days of my life. Don't get me wrong I love my friends and family, but everyone tends to get over bearing to me and sometimes I just yearn for the day i get to move away. Far away to a distant place, a magical place full of rainbows and unicorns. (Just kidding) But  really when I go to college I'll finally be able to experience the life i never was able to. My experimental years (Not smoking drinking and stuff like that i'm not stupid). But just socializing and hanging out in general. Regardless of my html my life isn't really that strict there are  just a lot of barriers. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I go to college I'll finally be able to breathe. To take a breathe without manners, serving everyone else, priorities, responsibility and worst of all religion being shoved down my throat. I can take a breathe and find myself, find the person I never thought I was. Discover new aspects of myself, search for my purpose in life and figure out what i want to do with it. No college isn't meant to be feared, its meant to be embraced. I can't wait to take on the world head first and just discover me.

 xxx.

- Ayssatou 

Children...

If I say spaghetti 

Will you go away ?

If i say that special word

Will you find somewhere 

Else to play ?

So i'm African right (not a question I really am). And i'm not trying to be stereotypical to well myself, but I have so many freaking cousins it's not even funny. It's like everybody and their grandma has at least 10 siblings each in my family. Insane ! I know, that's not the worst part no, the worst part is that my mother is the oldest in what I like to call her "clan". The oldest of 8 children big deal right ? WRONG. For some reason god decided to give her 6 brothers S.I.X. So by now I'm guessing you're confused as to why i'm complaining, whats it to me right. Well let me break it down for you. My mother being the oldest of an almost all male family made her the care-keeper. She single handedly raised all her siblings so of courser they look up to her as a mother even. So now everyone's grown up right and their all married and they all have a shitload of kids. Well every Saturday when they all want to go out guess where their kids go ? Go ahead guess, yup TO MY HOUSE.  "Well since she raised us she can raise our kids to." I swear to god that's their mind-set. My mother is a pushover.  I mean normally I wouldn't mind I honestly love children I swear I do, and I want to have them when I grow up but my cousins...oh lord. They are monsters! I'm not exaggerating, for African children (here comes the stereotype again) they are just so misbehaved and hyper and destructive for that matter. I can't even deal. Their all here right now and I can't even hear myself think. Sometimes I just wish I could go off to college already, somewhere far...far....FAR AWAY.

xxx.

 - Ayssatou 

My Life....

Life is a complex imagery of the mind
                                                                                                                                                             Life is everything and everywhere
                                                                                                                                                                     Life is meant to be lived
                                                                                                                                                             Life is meant to be destroyed
                                                                                                                                                                      To me....
                                                                                                                                                                  Life is just another thing meant to end....

Introductions are weird, and well considering the fact that I don't expect anyone to read this I won't be awkward. I'm just another girl same as any other. I'm in High School, I'm 16 and I'll be 17 by this November. They say that blogs are the perfect place to I guess take out you're frustrations on life but, well it's all still very eerie to me. To tell you're whole life's story to a bunch of internet strangers ? weird. Forgive me for my posts I am a very blunt person and I have a very specific yet simple outlook on life. It sucks.

xxx.

- Ayssatou