Gummy Bears.....

Today in yoga my teacher wanted to do a special writing exercise since it was a half day. I was really excited because she brought out a bowl of Gummy bears and she said "Ok you are going to grab a couple of gummy bears no less then one and no more than five." So naturally I took five and boy was that a mistake. What we had to do now was write in our notebooks what we liked about ourselves. The number of gummy bears we took meant that you had to write the  number of things you like about yourself. Five thing, I had to write five things that I liked about myself and I couldn't even come up with one. Not a single thing crossed my mind and that baffled me. Do I not Luke a single thing about myself? So I sat their for what seemed like forever just pondering that. Like I know my self esteem is low but to not like a single thing about myself is just insane. If I don't like anything about me than that must mean that no one else does too right ? There were just so many questions running through my head at once it was hard to keep track. Then I figured well I like that I've always been determined at anything I did. Okay that's one and then what. I like that my temper is in control. I like my caring attitude towards my friends. I like that I've set a goal for myself. And I like that I can move forward and not backwards. Five. Those are five things I like about myself. I don't know if they count but for now it is what it is. After I finished writing she asked who had a difficult time writing that, be honest. So I raise my hand and saw that a majority of the class did also. Then she asked "Would it have been easier if I asked you to write about what you like about you're friend" and everyone nodded. "Well that's just sad." I agree. It is sad but when you think about it you're friends would say the same about writing about you. Its just a never ending cycle of insecurities and low self esteem. God U can't wait to grow out of this whole adolescent phase. I want to grow into my own skin and become the person I'm meant to be. Until then we all have to just deal with it.

xxxx.

-Ayssatou

Yeah and its his birthday and I hate myself for remembering...

Connections....

Connection is like the never growing link to a long relationship no matter who its with. Now I have a huge problem with connection because sometimes you can have an amazing connection with someone you barely even know but the question is where do you go from there ? Its hard to find that one connection with someone who is exactly like you but different. While you're a rain cloud to the world he's the umbrella that brings you sunshine. No matter how much you fight it and say " don't get attached, don't get attached" its hard when you've already discovered that connection. I've discovered that connection and its then most painful thing I've ever experienced. Now I just don't know what to do. I went from being emotionally detached to extremely attached and I hate it. I'll tell you the details of this story later, well when I'm ready. For now I just have to keep living with it I guess. Most days I just want to lock my door crawl into a ball and stay there. But I have to keep moving forward. I have to get up get ready and go to school. Each and everyday I have to keep pretending that I'm okay and maybe one day I will be.....

     xxxx.
- Ayssatou
                  

PS: A message to my friends...

Hey guys I just wanted to say that even though it might not seem like a big deal to you it's a huge one for me. If I gave you the link to enter the world that is my thoughts it needs to be completely and utterly vaulted. I took so much time and fighting with myself to finally let you in and it scares me. If you're reading this then I trust you. if you're here then you officially know me more than anyone on the planet because this is where I write everything. This is where I post my deepest most inner thoughts and I'm not ready to share them with people I know. Please be respectful to me after reading the things I write I won't start sugarcoating my thoughts now just because you have access to my realm of insanity. I will still be posting what I feel no matter if it's about you or not. Again it really is a big deal for me to be doing this because I don't tell any of these things to anyone but I trust you guys. (So please don't hurt me/ use this against me)

Stay Strong...

It's hard to think sometimes that other people might be going through the same thing's you are if not worse. This has been one of the longest weeks of my life and I've learned more about my friends in this one week than the two years that I've actually known them. Any hint of doubt or regret or resentment I've ever felt towards any of them vanished completely. I've learned three major things in this past week alone. One. boy's will only cause problems in you're life as of now and maybe we're just not emotionally ready to handle the stress of relationships.Two Everyone has a breaking point and I've reached mine. I'm tired of all the things I keep bottled up inside of me and on this blog, I need someone. And three It's shocking how compatible you really are when you're friends open up to you.

I will never understand why most boys act the way they do. I don't think I've ever seen my friends in so much pain. Who gave people the right to blatantly hurt another person like that. Especially in the most inhuman dick-headed of ways. Why does the "game" such a strong desire in males in which they just have to win no matter what. No matter whose poor soul there crushing. Or whose beautiful heart you're breaking. This is a reason why we will never trust anyone because of all the crazy shit that someone can do to you to ruin you're mood. I've never been a very emotionally attached person when it came to anyone so when things like this happen I just tend to close off even more then I normally would.

I've said it before that I'm a very closed off person. I haven't actually discovered the root of this problem yet but I do know it tends to make me unattached. I've never been close enough to another human being to tell them every detail of my life. Even when it comes to my friends I would pick bits and pieces of whatever happened and tell them individually. I guess you can say I'm not very trusting and I get extremely anxious when I try or I'm on the verge of telling one of them something. It's literally like I can't breathe and if I tell them I will die or something and it's weird. I've been trying hard to get out of my comfort zone and just go with the flow and actually relax for once. Like at least this year I've learned to be more social vocally I don't get as tongue tied and nervous when people come to talk to me. People surrounding me gives me anxiety in general at least people I'm not a hundred percent comfortable around . My number one fear is waking up and having my friends abandon me because I'm to screwed up to be around. It terrifies me even thinking about it. I've been alone for such a majority of my life. Even when people were around me I still felt alone. i felt like nobody was going through what I was. No one understood me. But recently when I'm with them I feel less alone. I actually feel better about myself thanks to them. I've learned that the connection you build with a group of people can over power anything.

My goal this year is to also be completely and fully open/honest with my friends. It's scary just thinking about it but only because it's different. I've been so used to not saying anything at all but my mind body and soul are tired of the bottle that I have inside of me. I guess it's time to let someone take a peek. 

                                                     

                                                                                                                                                           xxxx.

                                                                                                                                                  - Ayssatou

Anxiety...

With her head hung low

and nowhere to go

She can't explain

this mysterious pain

It comes on so fast

How long will it last

Her heart is just pounding, her head starts to spin

Please go away, she does not want you in

She's uncontrollably crying

It feels like she's dying

Her body is trembling, her hands star to shake

She feels so helpless with this horrible ache

Someone, please help her, make this go away

She can't stand to feel this way one more day

Someone, please help her, she's down on her knees

She's scared and helpless and hopes no one sees

With her head hung low

not knowing where to go

She tries to explain

This mysterious pain

Boys...

I've been avoiding this subject for such a long time but today I just reached my breaking point. Boys are absolutely the cruelest of humans, correct that teenage idiotic High School boys are. In my life as a teenager now i finally understand that me and everyone around me are in a fragile state. The adolescent years are proven to magnify all you're emotions. So basically what an older person would feel as a heartbreak would just be 1000x worse for us. I've only ever liked one boy from my whole high school experience and i'm a junior now. Trust me it's not worth it. Some people just don't deserve the time that has been invested on them. I'm normally a very closed off person and I'm honestly not even at the point where I can fully talk and connect with my friends. I try i really do, but it's hard. But lately it's like everything I've been feeling has just piled up so much that I need someone to share it with. I need to open myself and fully trust someone enough to tell them. i just don't know how...Anyways back to the topic at hand. Boys. One of my friends who I've recently been getting closer to (that's a whole other story) got her heart broken by a guy who was to "confused" to be honest with her. Now i really don't care how dysfunctional our relationship is I fucking love this girl to death. I am never one to just stand by and watch my friends get close. I've legitimately been fuming about this for the past 2 hours. If you're not sure you like someone don't tell them you do anyways. If you know that you're wrong for someone don't string them along until they end up crying over you. I mean who does that ? Everyone loves to say and make fun of  how insecure teenage girls are  but doesn't society see that it's shit like this that lowers our self esteem? Because I can guarantee no matter what anyone tells my friend about how it's "Not her fault" and how "Shes's beautiful" she will always think it's because of her. She's going to judge every part of her because it must be her fault if he doesn't like her right ? WRONG. It's not her fault but the way society perceives us and the way boys get into our heads gives us these insecurities. And it's not fair, it never helps when people say "You'll find someone better" because how the fuck are you supposed to know that. Sometimes it's just better not to say anything. Sometimes we just have to accept the fact that things don't go the way we want them to. It sucks, and you'll feel bad for a while and it's going to take sometime. But it's going to be okay. None of my friends believe they're strong but when I look at them I see the 4 strongest girls I know and they have no idea how much I admire them for it. They're strength is what keeps me going some days, but they don't see that. I feel like I have sisters that I will forever want to protect and it's so weird considering I've never had a sister before. At this point in my life my number one goal is to focus so boys can go under the rug because my friends are all I need. I'll talk about my personal boy experience another time though. Goodnight <3

                                                                                                                                                             xxx.

                                                                                                                                                  - Ayssatou

PS: I don't think we're women just yet ;)

This is something I've actually thought about for a while now....

Trust me...It's not worth it. Stay Strong <3
           xxx.
      -Ayssatou

Daily Inspirations...

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, 

      is that people will insist on coming along and trying 

to put things in it"

~ Terry Pratchett

Back To School

Well here it is the moment I've been dreading BACK TO SCHOOL. Okay well technically Thursday was my first day but today is my official first FULL day of  school and let me tell you I am TERRIFIED. So I failed Geometry last year because my teacher was just plain awful and I just never understood her and she hated me so... Anyways now i have to re-take the class before I fail my SAT's and fail at life. But here's a tip that I've had to teach myself, "For you're Junior year of High School screw you're friends" Yeah screw them they'll only cause you trouble and bring unecessary drama into you're life and you need to focus this year. Anyways I gotta go catch the bus. Have a great first real day of school <3

                                                                                                                                                             xxx.
                                                                                                                                                  - Ayssatou