Sorry....It's Turkey Day....

Sorry I forgot to say Happy Thanks Giving so...... happy thanks giving. I'm not usually a huge grouch on holidays (that's a lie but I usually like thanksgiving). What started out to be a Bert productive eat my feelings day turned out to be a I really hate to be around my family day. Not fun. Anyways I took a job house sitting for four days because I wanted to be away from my family and boy that karma. My mom was against it and blah blah and I sent her an email that single handedly ruined out relationship. Then she, instead of talking to me gave me the silent treatment ignored me and then emailed me the next day. Stating that she "hears me" but still left it up to my older brother to decide for her -_- . And he was okay with it on the condition that I take my cousin with me (annoying). Even that I accepted though. What I dont except is that my mom is so scared about everyone else's reaction and her family power reputation or some stupid shut like that, that she went out of her way to lie about where I was to my grandmother. Because of that I had to get back home at ten this morning (which I was okay with) to help pack. To help pack for a house that I never saw, didn't know about and was not included in any decision even though I'll be the only one in there in a few months. Now it's fucking twelve and thanks giving is apparently still going on here and my mother decides that I can't leave because I would be putting her in a "situation" if I left. Like what the actual fuck I'm your child not theirs get your shit together your the oldest why the hell are you of all people afraid of what your brothers would say ? I hate this family so much. No ones morals or intentions are ever in the right place and the only way I could ever escape the stupidity gene that's apparently flowing through these people I have to leave. Yes running away from myfily and leaving Nj is my solution to everything. Accept it.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou 

PA: HAPPY THANKSGIVING IM SORRY IM SUCH A DOWNER I HOPE YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES HAVE HAD A GOOD ONE AND MAY YOUR LIFE NEVER SUCK AS MINE DOES.

One step forward.... Ten Steps Back.

When I start to thing things are getting better the whole universe decides to rotate backwards. I've come to the conclusion that my family is just filled with pretentious snobs who like to control every detail of my life. And my mom is such a gullible dependant push over that she cares more about what they think than what actually makes me happy. I can't stand any if these people who just think that they are high above anyone else. Everyone in this family's mind is so wrapped up around their old ideals of being the perfect put together African family that they forget it's a lie. My family is filled with liars, pretenders, wannabe's, religious hypocrites and racists. What makes any of you think your better than anyone else ? The faultin my personality links back to the years of listening to bull shit after bull shit after bull shit. I don't know how one person can take in so much bull shit being fed to them and not explode. I just need to get away from them all. The fact that they are trying to control where I go to college now "You have to stay close to your mom no dorms, commute, in nj, blah blah blah blah"  I am going far far far far far away from all of them I feel like I can go all the way to Japan and it still won't be far enough. I want to clear my mind and erase all the crap that's been put into it and just live my life the way that I want to live it. Only one year and ten months left one year ten months, one year ten months, one year ten months...

xxxx.

-Ayssatou

I Just Shouldn't Say Anything (Ever)....

Literally I just shouldn't have said anything at all. I shouldn't have tried to be honest with my mom and I shouldn't have written that stupid letter. Because now she's icing me out (no pun intended). I shouldn't have said how I felt. Actually I should just stop saying how I feel in general. Because I'm a very blunt person and when someone asks me about my opinion on something, or how I feel about it I say what I think. And it only ever goes downhill from their because apparently my opinions are always wrong. Or taken to offense and I'm not even trying to be offensive or mean that is my opinion no one can change my opinion but me. Most of the time I feel like I'm tip toeing around fragil glass when I talk to the people around me since everything I say is wrong or taken in the wrong way. And quite frankly I'm so sick and tired of it. I spent so much time trying to open up and always say what I feel but no one really listens. And it only causes trouble so why should I even bother ? Whenever I talk to someone they're always right so who am I to even argue with it. I don't care enough anymore to tell people what I think because I'll always be the one whose wrong in the end so I might as well just not say anything. Ever. If someone asks me something I'll just shrugg my shoulders keep my head down and go on with the rest of my life. At least until I can get out of here far far far away from everyone. Maybe then I'll feel comfortable enough to come back out if my box. 

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: I just asked my mom if she read my email and she literally said "Goodnight." And walked past me, shut her door and locked it. I guess she'll be leaving the country again pretty soon.

I'm Not Sure If I Should Send This....

Update: It's been one of the busiest weeks of my life. I just finished stage managing a show called Carrie the Musical (yes it's like the movie). And my best friend had her sweet sixteen the same weekend and it was fabulous. But also I got a job to house sit at my directors house this weekend and after I told my mom and already agreed to do it she wakes up and tells me I can't. My mother literally builds me up to knock me down. You can't just say no last minute when this woman is already well on her way to like HAwaii or something by now.  Like it's not fair to them. And I know I'm also moving this weekend (oh yeah I'm moving 2 blocks away from where i already live....my mother ladies and gentlemen). But I will literally be home to pack every single day from morning till night. Like she's using it as an excuse. Sometimes I feel like my mother just likes to smother me with her company and I DON'T WANT IT. Gosh I literally just spent an hour writing her this letter trying to convince her why I should go. Now the question is should I send it...?

To: Mommy

I'M WRITING THIS BECAUSE YOU NEVER ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ATLEAST I KNOW YOU CHECK YOUR EMAILS.

http://www.science20.com/rogue_neuron/dont_shelter_your_children_coping_stress_child_develops_resilience_and_emotion_regulation_adult

"Mommy read this article because its exactly what you're doing ! I'm 17 years old. By this time next year I'm going to be in college in another state with a roommate that I don't even know. I know how to take care of myself outside of this house and sometimes I feel really suffocated at home. The reason why I join so many extra curriculars or take on jobs is because I need my own space to breathe and I want to branch out. You can't shelter me forever. I've always been that kid that never got to go to sleepovers and that is a childhood experience that I missed out on. And I know it's not like you never let me out of the house because you do but I know you don't like to. If you had it your way I would have a leash on and be in your peripheral vision ALL THE TIME. I know that we're moving and your mainly using that as an excuse because I can be here everyday from morning to night to help pack and move stuff over like it's not even a problem. But you feel anxious and uncomfortable about me house sitting at another persons house. BUT IT ISN''T THAT BIG OF A DEAL. And it really isn't fair to break an agreement that has been set for almost two weeks now. Especially since they have already left on their trip. It won't be fair to them, to Noah who also is only allowed to help because I asked him to, and to Lisa who trusts me enough to take care of her house. I've made a lot of network connections over the past year especially while you were gone and this can really damage those relationships. She's the one whose getting me an internship next year when I turn 18 and me calling her and breaking this deal last minute only shows that I'm unreliable and that can actually put a real strain on my future. And I know you worry about constantly but you have to trust me mommy. I'm not the same person I was a few months ago. Even Mrs Arters told you today I'm really trying to improve and get my act together and the only way for me to succeed in life is for you to trust me. And to REALLY trust me. I'm honestly just trying to help you and myself right now because I know this move is a money issue also and I don't want to always go to you for money. It's time I start doing tins for myself and I can call you every hour but I'm pretty sure you'll be seeing me more than you think. I want to help you but I also need you to help/ trust me. I'm trying hard with grades and getting organizes and I WILL FIND MY GLASSES BECAUSE IM PRETTY SURE THEIR IN THE HOUSE. But you also need to work on your end and realize that I'm not a little girl anymore and how can you ever expect me to grow and be my own person if you won't even let me do such a simple task like this ? You care too much about what other people might think like grandma and your brothers and tata but at the end of the day they have no say in my life you do. The reason why I always talk about wanting to go to a college so far away is because I feel lso sheltered and suffocated in Jersey. I can never do anything or say anything without being judged or blamed and that isn't a healthy environment for me to stay in. If only you knew how much all of you really affect me emotional and why I don't like to be around that much. I don't want to live unhappy for the rest of my life. And every time I try to open up to you about it and how I'm feeling you shoot it down or tell Isma and make it into a joke. But it's not a joke. These are my feelings I am an emotional human being and it's not fair to me to always be constantly put down by my own family. The only reason I'm standing up to you now is because I don't want to have a bad relationship with any of you before I go to college. I don't want to leave with a sour note. And it will never stop if I don't stand up to myself. And really think about what I'm saying mother because most of the time you don't take me seriously and it hurts my feelings a lot. I want to have a relationship with you where I can go to you and tell you everything. But it's hard for me to do that because you tell everyone EVERYTHING. I want everything I come to you about to be private not easy access to the rest of the family because that honestly makes me really uncomfortable and makes me not trust you as much as I should. Anyways I'm sorry this ended up to be this really long thing all I wanted was to convince you to let me house sit....

Thank You

Aisha"

I don't know what to do with myself now. Also I haven't been on here for a while because I've been so busy but I have so much to write and catch you up on it's insane. Until next time!!!!!

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: I sent it.......I'M SO FREAKING SCARED. Pray for me.

Stick to your opinions....

What does Love even mean...

Literally it's like I have a deep conversation with my friends and then my brain goes over capacity, and I just have to burden you guys with my thoughts. I apologize in advance these are my opinions, doesn't make them any more right or wrong then the rest of yours. Okay love. I've said before that I really don't understand love and what it means [ I still don't so nothing has really changed in that matter]. Love is complicated because there are different forms to it. There's the loving  your family. The love that you have for your friends.And then theirs being in love. Sharing a connection so strong with someone that it hurts in ways that you can't even understand. The pain is both physical and emotional. Emotional in the sense that every single one of you're senses are heightened and meant to surround this person's every thought. Physical because you feel this huge heavy weight of stress when they're not around and it's trying to sink you into the ground. I don't really know what I'm talking about and I don't know if I'm in love. But I can't really say I'm not. I'm trying to explain all my emotions and feelings in a way that you might understand it's just hard. I don't know how to describe exactly what I'm feeling but I know it's something. And whatever that emotion may be it's eating me up inside. It's like a knife stabbing you from your insides and it's even getting to a point where It consumes my thoughts and energy and joy. Why would anyone want to be in love ?Yes there's this whole magical aspect of it where you feel like you've just discovered your other half and everything's great and your going to be together forever (at least until you get bored/tired of each other and one of you cheats. Wow I am not in the mood today). But there are so many downfalls to love and a love that doesn't mean anything is the worst. At this point yo don't know what I'm talking about and maybe I don't even know. What I'm trying to say is love scares me and I don't know what to do or say in those situations and quite honestly I want to curl up into a ball right now. I can't finish this then I am sorry.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

Emotions and Instinct....

We follow both and base decisions on them our entire life.

When we find love we follow the emotion.

When we are angry we often lash out and hurt others, unaware of what effect it might have on their life or day.

But, unlike Instinct, our emotions can blind us and bind us.

When we are in love the other can turn our feelings against us, bending us to their will.

When we are implacable on one point of view we are blinded from the truth, even if it is staring us in the face or sitting right next to us.

Instinct: we follow it right? 

But what really is instinct? 

Some believe the heart is, from 'follow your heart'.

But is it possible for our instincts to betray us? 

When we are lost, we 'follow our nose', right? 

But every person's instinct is different, it depends on their life style.

If they live with parents who love them, their instinct would be honesty.

If they have friends, or parents, who are mean, the instinct is protection.

But for emotions, what would you do if they were taken away? 

How would you live? 

How would you act towards others, and how would they act towards you? 

If your instincts betrayed you, where would you go? 

We as humans depend on Emotions and Instinct, but is taken away, do not think of the why or the reason... think of the HOW. 

- Robert Grimes

Evolution At It's Best.....

When I look back at how I used to be and how I am now it just astounds me. Evolution and puberty and hormones and all that are such weird concepts and prices of life. And I just don't understand. I don't understand how much a person can change in the course of five years. As you get older you start to realize things you didn't understand when you were younger. Because as it turn out you actually were to young to understand. I was to young to understand hate and racism and love and sex and war and people and how adults think. I used to think sex was going to your closet and kicking boots around with a boy. I used to think that love was the hearted cards you would get from the other kids in your class and whoever gets the most cards is the most loved. I thought war meant segueing and pinning someone down. I thought a big flappy bird brought babies that came from mommys tummy on a sack and threw them down the fire escape for Christmas. I was so naive. Here I am 17 years old and I wish I didn't understand. I wish I didn't know how sex worked or that you can have it with a complete stranger that you don't love. I wish I didn't know how strong love was to a point where someone can emotionally crush you with a single action or word because you love them. I wish I didn't know that war equals death and death means to never come back. I wish I didn't know that babies are a product of sex and that most of them are accidents. I'm 17 but most days I wish I was 7. Simpler naive times but they were the best times. Times where I didn't have to face reality. And now that I do I just want to crawl back in a ball and hide under my covers. These are things we just have to deal with and live with. But it doesn't mean I want to.

xxxx. 

-Ayssatou

Theater Probs....

Life

has been

your art.

You have set

yourself

to music.

Your days

are your sonnets.

- Oscar Wilde

The Perfect Guy Part Four.....

Side note: Ha you guys thought it was over. I know people who would actually murder me and get away with it if I ended it there. That and I'm in a really good mood so here's the rest of the story....

The elevator opens and its Tom (did I forget to mention his name ? I don't know I like calling him Lux or Luxembourg). Anyways my heart jumped to my throat because he was literally perfect and looked even hotter in person which I did not expect at all. So we hug and then we're literally just standing in the middle of a hotel lobby smiling at each other. Like some people would think its cute but the hotel people just thought we were weird. I didn't know what to say and it was nerve wracking at first but I could tell that he was kind of nervous too so that made it better. This is the part where I'm supposed to 'Show him around New York' but I obviously didn't know where the hell I was going so we were just walking around lost. He didn't mind though New York is a fun place to just walk around so we ended up at Central Park around 8 ish. I thought that after having been talking to  him for six months prior to that day we would have already ran out of things to say but surprisingly didn't. We talked about our friends, our goals, our future, life. We talked about embarrassing things that has happened to us (I could have went on forever) we argued on what was better pizza or burgers, chocolate or vanilla. We talked about distance and relationships, and how hard it is to find someone to connect to. We basically talked about so much for so long and at the same time there wasn't enough time. We just spent the whole day holding hands, sharing ice cream and talking and I never felt that close to a human being before, it was just nice. It was different and I didn't know what my emotions were at that point I was a little confused. Somehow we ended up near the river thingy in central park and it was getting really late and I had to go home I just didn't want to. And after a whole day of talking their was just this comfortable silence that happened and it felt like a moment and he just looked at me and then leaned in and I was terrified. He got closer and I closed my eyes and then.....

Yeah I'm going to bed I have to wake up early to get my new phone yay upgrading!!!! ;) Talk to you later!

xxxx. 

- Ayssatou

The Perfect Guy Part Three.....

Side note: My birthday is over. Finally. Today didn't go as planned but then again nothing ever does. OH AND ONE OF MY EX CRUSHES CALLED ME TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND IT WAS REALLY SUPER AWKWARD. But the highlight the very first person to wish me a happy birthday at exactly 12 right now was also the last person I spoke to on my birthday. 24 hour nostalgia at it's best. Also I just realized that i have a thousand page views on this blog and 500 on my other one I absolutely live you guys keep the emails coming I love talking to you! So here's a birthday gift from me to you. My boy experience Part Trois....

Fast Forward; This was the period of time where I was freaking out panicking and crying because he was coming to New York and I didn't know what to do, what to wear, what to talk about, where to go and ect.... So I was a hot mess. I had to call my friend to calm me down. [ didn't work] Because the thing is video chatting someone and texting them and all this stuff through social media is NOT the same thing as meeting them in person. Like its actually really scary because you never know how the person is like in person or how they act/look/height (APPARENTLY I'M SHORT BUT I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT) I remember the first day I ever skyped with him and he was like would you talk to me/ be my friend if I couldn't walk ( and like video chat is only from waist so picture my face.) I said yes because why not. And he was so freaking serious he was like because I can't and it didn't really natter all that much (okay I was freaking out a little because it got so serious) but then he said he was kidding and that I was good person *sighs in relief*. Literally that's all I thought about the whole entire time and then it was time to meet him in NYC and I was shaking during the whole bus ride. It was seriously a 100 degrees out and here I was having a seizure because I was cold and scared. So I went to the Marriott where he was staying with his family and I'm literally just waiting in the lobby and the elevator opens and then *heart attack*........

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

I Want Something Like This.....

The Story: The story is really long but basically  the sun is the man and the woman is the moon. The sun has to die every night so that the moon can live, Without the sun there would be no moon.They depend on each other and his death gives her life which would otherwise not happen, and it is their bond that gives each other what they want and need. It is the heart of love and romance, and then there are the untold stories of a dying moon. I just find it so beautiful and I only discovered it because it was printed on the back of some girl's sweater. If I ever find a love that strong and powerful I would literally cry because I don't even know what love is. Anyways this the saying that goes along with it....

The Sun loved 

The Moon so much

Every night the Sun would Die

To let her breathe.

November 1st.....

Dear Grandma....

A thousand words couldn't bring you back,

 I know because I tried; neither could a thousand tears,

 I know because I cried; you left behind broken hearts and happy memories,

 but i never wanted the memories, 

I only wanted you.

God saw you were getting tired,

and a cure was not to be. 

So he put his arms around you,

and whispered, "come live with me."

 With tearful eye I watched you,

You didn't even remember me.

Although i loved you dearly, 

I could not make you stay.

I saw you pass away. 

Your golden heart stopped beating,

your hard working hands at rest. 

God broke my heart to prove to me, 

he only takes the best. 

God will love you and keep

you until we meet someday.

- Ayssatou