Wednesday, October 30, 2013

All Hallow's EVE

Side note: I'm in a great mood! Today was a rough day and now my teacher hates me but I have people who make it better so!!! I'll post a Halloween treat before I sleep but since tomorrow is Halloween it's story time !!!!! (WARNING: this is scary so if you don't like scary DO NOT KEEP READING) HAPPY HALLOWEEN.....

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

The Face

Tim was a medical student that toppled into love as soon as he set eyes on Sheila, the beautiful new transfer student.  She had masses of long black hair and eyelashes so long they got tangled in her curls when she leaned over her desk.   Tim had a withdrawn nature, though not by inclination.  He’d learned the hard way that people avoided him when they heard about his insane father; locked away in an asylum.  But he had to overcome his taciturn nature or risk losing Sheila to one of the other fellows that panted after her.  So Tim volunteered to tutor her Sheila in one of her classes.   After that, it was easy.  Sheila toppled into love with Tim as madly as he was in love with her.  They went everywhere together, hardly bearing to part for classes. 
   Tim lived in a bubble of joy, until the day he saw Sheila speaking to a good-looking fellow who lived in the same dorm.  They were laughing together over something one of their professors had said in history class, and a shaft of sheer jealousy pierced the medical student's gut.  How dare she laugh with another man?  He confronted his Sheila with her perceived trespass, and she stared at him incredulously.  “You’re crazy!” she said.  He winced, reminded of his father, and shouted insults at Sheila until she stalked off in a rage.  
     They made up over dinner, and things were fine for awhile, until the medical student saw Sheila borrow a pen from a handsome blond fellow at the library.  That set him off again.  They hissed angry words at each other until the librarian kicked them out.  Tim huddled on the narrow bed in his dorm room until black anger gave way to common sense.  He called Sheila and apologized.  She accepted his apology, and they were back together.   
  Tim was scheduled to take Sheila to a local dance on Friday night, so he rushed back to the dorm to dress in his best.  As he turned to leave, Tim noticed that a scalpel had fallen out of his medical bag and lay haphazardly on his desk.  He thrust it carelessly inside the bag and to went to pick up his girlfriend and escort her to the dance.   
      The couple had a fabulous evening; dancing and drinking and eating.  They left the party around midnight and walked hand-in-hand back to his dorm room for a nightcap.  When they reached the entry way, Sheila veered off for a moment to ask a red-haired fellow from one of her art classes about an assignment that was due the next day. Tim was instantly filled with gut-gnawing jealousy.  When Sheila rejoined him, he hustled her upstairs to his room and shouted:  “You flirt with every man you meet, you tramp!”  
      “You are crazy!” Sheila shouted back.  “Stark raving mad!”  
    Tim saw red.  “Don’t call me mad,” he said, his hand groping for the loose scalpel in his medical bag on the desk.  When the mists cleared from his eyes, Sheila lay dead at his feet, her throat cut from ear to ear.  The whole room was covered with red gore and her masses of black hair lay in a pool of steaming blood.
     Tim brain went into overdrive.  Hide the body.  Clean up the blood.  Invent an alibi.   But first...  He stared at the dead girl he had loved so much, then he knelt beside the body and slowly cut off her face.  He wrapped the face carefully in plastic before putting it in his desk drawer.  Then he cleaned up the blood and hid the body in a tunnel near the laundry room.  
      The next morning, he told his roommate Sheila had broken up with him and gone home in a snit without finishing her classes.  The roommate accepted the story without question, and didn't appear to notice the way the medical student peered obsessively inside his desk drawer.  
    He finally tore himself away Sheila's face to attend his 11 o'clock class.  When he returned at lunchtime, he found his roommate leaning out of the open window, looking ill.  “I think I have flu.  I’d best run to the pharmacy and pick up something for it,” the roommate said when he came in.  
       “Want me to take a look?” Tim asked, reaching for his bag.  
       His roommate turned white:   “No!  Thank you!  Don’t bother,” he gasped, practically running from the room.  
       Tim shrugged in exasperation, peered into the drawer at Sheila's face, and settled down to work on a paper he had due next week.  Downstairs, his roommate was on the phone with the police.   
     He  went ballistic when the police came with a warrant to arrest him.  They manhandled him out of his chair while a grim-faced officer took a look in the desk drawer.  When he saw the dead girl's face, the officer swore violently and vomited on the floor. 
   Tim was placed in the asylum with his father, who was locked away in a padded room next door.  Every day, while his enraged father tried to kill his attendants, the bereft boyfriend wept and stared out the window; seeing Sheila’s lovely face in the branches of a nearby tree.  The face seemed to sway to the rhythm of his father’s fists as his insane parent pounded and pounded at the walls.  
      Back in the dorm, the ghost of a young girl in a blood-stained dress still floats along the hallways, searching for her face.  

retold by - Ayssatou Ba &  S.E. Schlosser
Happy Halloween. ^_^


Monday, October 28, 2013

ME PART TWO

Side Note: Sorry I always backtrack into side notes. And interrupt what I'm going to post. But I am NOT a happy camper right now. This is a good way to rant my feelings and thoughts and then I'm going to sleep okay. Here is me part two:

    I HATE CATS LIKE A LOT THEY SCARE THE SHITS OUT OF ME AND THEY ARE CREEPY OKAY.
    I CRINGE WHENEVER I TYPE A POST ON MY PHONE AND I CAN'T JUSTIFY OR CENTER MY FORMATTING 
          
I ACTUALLY CRY A LOT BUT ABOUT STUPID STUFF LIKE MY FAVORITE SHOW ENDING OR PEOPLE HATING ME.

     I HAVEN'T HAD A MEANING FULL BIRTHDAY SINCE THE SECOND GRADE WHEN MY MOM BROUGHT A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE TO SCHOOL


MY DADS MOM PASSED AWAY THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY SO HE NEVER CALLS TO TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE HE'S STILL GRIEVING. SHE DIED 5 YEARS AGO.

MY OTHER GRANDMA WHO WAS PROBABLY THE ONLY OLD PERSON THAT I EVER LOVED TO BE AROUND DIED NOV 1ST 7 DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY 3 YEARS AGO.

YEAH I DON'T LIKE MY BIRTHDAY AND NO ONE EVER REMEMBERS SO ITS JUST ANY OTHER DAY REALLY.

MY PARENTS SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE TO BE MARRIED AND NEVER SEE THE OTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF CONSTANT TRAVEL AND DISTANTS (LOOK WHERE I GOT MY RELATIONSHIP INFLUENCES FROM  -_-)

I AM THE ONLY GIRL FROM MY MOM SO I GET A LOT OF SMACK BECAUSE I'M APPARENTLY TOO "AMERICAN" TO BE ONE OF THEM.

ON MY BIRTHDAY TWO YEARS AGO MY DAD CALLED AND TOLD MY MOM IF HE WERE TO EVER TRANSFER AND MOVE TO NYC HE WOULDN'T LURE WITH ME BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. 

WHEN IT COMES TO MY FAMILY I'M PRACTICALLY NUMB BECAUSE EVERYTHING THEY COULD'VE SAID WAS ALREADY SAID AND NOW NOTHING EFFECTS ME.

THE DAY I GRADUATE I AM LEAVING AND I'LL NEVER LOOK BACK AND ILL START THE LIFE ICE ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE.

SOMETIMES I THINK MY RELIGION DEFIES ME AND IS THE REASON I AM THE WAY I AM BECAUSE THE TOTAL BULLSHIT AND HYPOCRISY THAT COMES OUT OF IT JUST MAKES ME QUESTION EVERYTHING

REAL TALK:

I WOULDN'T DO DRUGS BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO GET SHIT FACED DRUG AND CALL MY MOM ONE DAY JUST TO PURPOSELY BREAK HER HEART FOR NEVER CARING ABOUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY  (WELL ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO ME)


IF I HAD SEX TODAY I HONESTLY WOULDN'T REGRET IT BECAUSE I WOULD KNOW THAT IT WAS MY CHOICE AND NO ONE FORCED ME INTO IT BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER FORCEFULLY DO SOMETHING I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT I HAVE A BURNING DISLIKE FOR HOLIDAYS BUT I'VE FAKED EXCITEMENT SO MUCH IN THE PAST 10 YEARS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I REALLY LIKE ANYMORE

ONE OF MY FRIENDS FROM MY SCHOOL CIRCLE KNOWS A REALLY HUGE SECRET ABOUT ME THAT I KNOW IS JUST EATING AT HER ON THE INSIDE BUT I'M NOT READY TO TELL ANYONE ELSE YET SO SHE'S GOTTA KEEP IT FOR A WHILE (SORRY I LOVE YOU <3)

I'VE DONE A LOT OF BAD THINGS IN MY LIFE AND I FEEL LIKE THEIR ALL BONES IN THIS DARK CHEST IN MY CLOSET AND THOSE ARE THINGS I JUST WONT EVER TELL ANYONE NO MATTER HOW CLOSE I GET WITH SOMEONE ITS NOT EVEN ABOUT TRUST I WILL BE LOOKED AT DIFFERENTLY AND ILL NEVER BE READY FOR THAT.

I RANT A LOT AND ITS REALLY BAD BECAUSE I COME OFF AS SOMEONE WHO HATES THE WORLD WHEN IN REALITY I JUST HATE NEW JERSEY

I AM INDIFFERENT ABOUT HALLOWEEN I DON'T KNOW WHY

I'VE HAD TWO BEST FRIENDS SINCE 5TH GRADE WHO TILL THIS DAY KNOW EVERY DETAIL ABOUT MY LIFE.

I'VE GAINED 4 BEST FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART AND I WOULDN'T SURVIVE THAT SCHOOL WITHOUT.

I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL BEST FRIEND WHO I BELIEVE SAVED MY LIFE REPEATEDLY AND WAS THEIR FOR ME FOR MY BIGGEST PROBLEMS AND I CHERISH HER ADVICE AND OPINIONS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE'S BECAUSE SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON I EVER TRUSTED IN HIGH SCHOOL ENOUGH TO OPEN MY LIFE UP TO AND I LOVE HER A LOT.

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME YOU WILL EVER SEE ME WRITE ABOUT BEST FRIENDS WHICH IS A CONCEPT THAT I DO NOT USE LIGHTLY ITS A TITLE THAT IS EARNED AND THESE 7 PEOPLE HAVE SHOWN ME THAT THEY CARE ABOUT ME. THEY ARE MY ACTUAL FAMILY. WITH THEM I DON'T FEEL LIKE A STRANGER IN MY OWN HOME .

IN TWO YEARS I WILL BE HAPPY AND THAT IS A GOAL I WILL MAKE HAPPEN.

xxxx.
-Ayssatou

Sunday, October 27, 2013

To Someone Special....

Some times life takes unexpected turns and what was easy to comprehend before because harder to understand. You never really know the seriousness of something until it happens to someone you love. And then it happens and it's like your whole world is crashing all around you because of one symptom, one illness, one disaster and then what ? What do you do ? What can you do ? H-O-P-E. Something I talk about a lot. But it's hard to hope when your living in the I don't know. When you don't know whats going to happen. And it's hard to think positive when all you've ever heard and read about with these situations never end well. But you have to hope. Because through all these stories, all this grief, all the heart break comes miracles. People who are strong enough to push through it because they are surrounded by love. People who love them. People who hope and pray and love and hope and pray and love and repeat over and over again. Because in those times all you can do is hope. Hope that it'll pass. Hope that it never happened. Hope that they'll live through it. It's hard to be someone's crutch. To be the hand that they need to hold in such a dark time. It's hard to pretend to be optimistic and that everything will be okay when it doesn't feel like it. They're just things that have to done. You'll only scare the person if you show them how you feel about it. Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong, Stay strong....Repeat it over and over and over again. Stay strong.

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

PS: Join me in praying for my friends and their families through their ruff time right now. "Tough times never last, but tough people do".  - Robert H Schuller.  Stay strong <3

Thursday, October 24, 2013

These are Beautiful (Respect Yourself)....


The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the 


relationship with yourself -  Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and 

Being Free


The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going 

to let myself pull me down anymore. C. JoyBell C.


Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's 

own sunshine. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James


It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. ~W.C. Fields


Respecting yourself is a stepping stone to loving yourself. ~ 

Ayssatou

I Don't Know What To Write Here......

Hi guys yes I am aware that I haven't updated part three it's actually been a hard week and me writing about him right now will make me feel even lonelier than I already am. He wen back to Luxembourg on Tuesday so yeah....Anyways. Two things happened today One: My theater teacher gave my class an awkward sex lecture that basically told us all to get on birth control now so that we won't get pregnant and that we have to have our own box of condoms as girls because boys aren't trustworthy ( I actually died laughing) it was really ironic actually and I'll tell you why another day.

Okay second thing and basically the main topic is Yoga. I take yoga as a gym class at my school and for some reason every time I do yoga or I have an assignment for yoga it always ends up making me think. And I mean really think before it was what I like about myself (which I couldn't write. Today it was what I would want people to say about me at my funeral (another thing I couldn't write). It's such a random topic though like who thinks about that ? What would I want people to say about me at my funeral if I were to die....I have no idea. I know what I don't want people to say about me and that is "She was nice". Such a common funeral line "she was a good person". No I don't want that. Not that I'm not nice or a good person (although it is questionable) but it's such a dull thing to say. I want to be understood in such a way that someone who understood me and the way I think and act can truthfully talk about me. I want funny stories of adventures and jokes and silly mistakes and accidents that have happened in my life. I want to be remembered as someone who enjoyed everything they did and lived without regretting anything. I want to die happy, and be known for it. Is that too much ask ? I don't want anyone to cry at my funeral, I want them to laugh. I want my funeral to be a celebration of the life that I lived not a mourn over my death. It's really weird to think about though that when you die you'll be laying in a coffin while strangers get up to speak about how "nice you were". I don't know I just don't like that fact. I'm really weird sorry, and really random I know but something that crossed my mind. Any ways I will write about something more cheerful and or helpful later. Baaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii <3

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

PS: I realized today that I actually over booked on a lot of things at the same time so I can't really update as frequently but I will try my best! "Peace Out Little Munchkins."

Sunday, October 20, 2013

ME PART ONE....

So I can't sleep so I might as well right about me.. [ cause I obviously don't write enough about myself -_-] Any who this is me....


Things About Me
- I AM SIXTEEN YEARS OLD
- MY FAVORITE COLOR IS COLOR BECAUSE IT DEPENDS ON THE DAY/MY MOOD/ WHATEVER MY OUTFIT IS
- I AM AN INSOMNIAC
- I'M ALLERGIC TO NATURE PEANUTS, POSSIBLY CHOCOLATE AND I BELIEVE A SELECT AMOUNT OF PEOPLE
- I AM BI-POLAR AS HELL
- I AM IN DENIAL ABOUT BEING BI-POLAR
- I CAN BE A BITCH WHEN I WANT TO BE
- EVERY LITTLE THING ANNOYS ME AND I TRY TO HIDE IT DAILY
- I HATE MILK AND ANY WARM DRINK BUT I LOVE ANYTHING MADE OUT OF MILK AND I THINK THAT IF A BRITISH BOY EVER OFFERED ME TEA I'D DRINK IT IN A HEART BEAT
- I LIKE TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS
- I AM UNCLEAR ABOUT MY FUTURE BUT I KNOW THAT I WANT TO DO SOMETHING IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY
- MY FATHER IS AN INSOMNIAC
-THAT IS THE ONLY THING ME AND MY FATHER HAVE IN COMMON
- I AM AFRAID OF ANYTHING WITH A PENIS
- THE IDEA OF TAKING TO BOYS SCARE ME BUT I'M ACTUALLY REALLY FLIRTY SO I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WORKS IT JUST DOES
- GIRLS THAT ARE PRETTIER THAN ME INTIMIDATE ME 
- EVERY GIRL INTIMIDATES ME
- I TRY TO ACT LIKE I'M OKAY WITH EVERYTHING THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME BUT A MAJORITY OF THE THINGS ACTUALLY REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS AND THEN I GO HOME AND CRY LIKE A BABY ABOUT THEM
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE DOESNT LIKE ME
- I KNOW WHY I DON'T LIKE ME BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT
- I ALMOST THREW UP WHEN A BOY TOLD ME HE LOVED ME
- INSTEAD I KISSED HIM
- I THINK I'M FAT AND THAT WHOEVER TELLS ME I'M NOT IS A LIAR
- I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER 
- I USED TO GO HOME AND THROW UP ALL THE FAST FOOD I ATE WITH MY FRIENDS BUT THEN I GOT REALLY SICK AND SCARED SO I STOPPED DOING IT
- I'VE TRIED ALCOHOL ONCE, BUT I DIDN'T LIKE IT
- I'VE TRIED DRUGS ONCE BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT AND I PROMISED MYSELF NEVER AGAIN BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN THAT
- I WAS IN A DARK PLACE LAST YEAR
- I AM IN A BETTER PLACE NOW
- I LOVE MYSELF A LOT MORE THAN I EVER HAD BEFORE
- I FEEL MORE ACCEPTING OF LIFE
- I BELIEVE MY FRIENDS SAVED MY LIFE
- THERE WAS A TIME I WANTED TO DIE
- BUT NOW ALL I WANT TO DO IS LIVE
- I LEARNED THAT LIFE WAS WORTH FIGHTING FOR
- SOMEONE I TRUST TAUGHT ME TO MOVE FORWARD
- ALL I BELIEVE IN NOW IS THAT IT WILL GET BETTER
- AND IT HAS

Happy Free Confused and Lonely at The Same Time.....

I know I hate myself for making that my title also but it describes mood. As to why I'm quoting 22 right now is because I feel way older than I am right now. I don't know when you're around someone that more mature you tend to forget how old you really are so coming home was like a culture shock to me just not in the way the phrase is used. I've just had he greatest most easy weekend ever. I thought that today was going to be a hard stereotypical ice cream Netflix and sweats day but nope. I feel great, happy even. I didn't think I'd say this but I am so glad this happened. I realized that all the time and energy spent complaining about not having a boy friend or boys interested in me was a waste. I'm sixteen years old and getting a boyfriend shouldn't be the first thing on mind. Or at least getting a boyfriend that's on the other side of the world. I'm done over thinking that part of my life. It was an experiment and I realized its possible to care about someone a lot maybe even love them. But loving someone and not being able to live without them or be happy without them are two very different things. Positivity is a mood that I've set in my mind for this year. I'm going to be positive about distance. I'm going to be positive about family. I'm going to be positive about friends. I'm going to be positive about this play. I'm going to be positive about my future. And I'm going to be positive about love. My goals are set for the year and I plan on sticking to them. I feel like a huge chapter of my life was just closed and a new one, a better one is being written. As for Luxembourg well we'll see how it goes.


xxxx.
- Ayssatou



PS: To the people possibly reading this sorry but Part III will be up tomorrow due to the fact that I haven't slept in 48 hours. And I don't have the brain power at the moment to go down memory lane. Baaiiiii <3

Friday, October 18, 2013

Nothing Lasts Forever.....

I always try to choose the simplest of things to avoid going the hard way out. But I've learned that things don't always go as planned and happiness doesn't last as long as we hoped it would. i tried though I really did. I tried to be in good spirits and even today what was supposed to be a happy day is ominous wake up call. All I can think about is how miserable I'm going to be and how much I'm trying not to think. Thinking is the fire to our minds sometimes I look at the clueless none worried people that I know who don't have a care in the world and are always so happy (I'm obviously not friends with these people.) And I don't know I'm scared that if I turn my emotions off now I'm going to be guarded again and I've come along way from how I used to be. It doesn't make it any easier though. I realized something though; I realized than I can be happy. That it's possible anyway. Because this week was the first time in a long time that I was truly genuinely happy. So I know it exists. Tonight I'm going to long island and this is the last weekend for a while that I get to spend with someone who actually makes me really happy. So I need to shake off my dark thoughts and the mood that is bound to appear for at least the weekend. After this it'll only go downhill from here. I need to treasure the memory I guess. At least I know that there's someone who understands  where I'm coming from and she's in the same situation. It's great because this time I won't keep it in. I won't mask my emotions anymore. I refuse to act happy when I'm not. It's a stepping stone.

xxxx.
- Ayssatou


PS; The Perfect Guy Part III will be up on Sunday I'm going on a no technology weekend. Baaiiiiiiiii

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Sex.

First Something Completely Random.-I am so completely happy. For many, many, many reasons. The problem with me though is that I know sooner or later this happiness is going to end so I'm savoring it. I'm at a place where I don't feel anxious about everything, or that I have something due or a r=test I can't pass. I feel really good about myself physically and emotionally. I even have my PSAT tomorrow and I'm so pumped and ready. And yes I know I'm just sidetracking from talking about a very awkward topic but hey it never hurts to try! Okay so here goes...

So sex....Holy shit I haven't even started and it's already super awkward. Okay so as an adolescent and High School student this topic is a huge part of puberty itself. Yes boys do get it worse than anyone because the only thing that runs through their mind every minute of every day is sex, sex, sex, SEX! I remember my Freshmen year health class and my teacher was talking about hormones and puberty and sex and such and she said how girls don't ever actually think about sex or have sexual hormones until their early thirties. Well you know what that's a fucking lie. Sure with girls sex isn't always on our minds I mean we have a lot more important things to think about like clothes. But we do still think about it and whoever tells me they don't is lying. There is no way you've never thought about it and it's not even a big deal. It's human nature. I wonder at what point man decided that sex is this huge thing that everyone should be embarrassed about or almost a shamed of. Like no shut up you're going to do it eventually unless you're like asexual some shit like that [trust me it's a thing...just not the thing you're thinking of.] But like in general there will come a time where you meet someone and sparks fly and things happen and that little bee stinger goes into you're bird hole and BAM you're not a virgin anymore. As you can tell I have no idea what I'm talking about but you get the point. Okay so this is not a random thing that I just suddenly decided to right about because the sexual frustration is real. Now the thing is at what age is it okay to have sex ? Religiously everyone says wait until you get married and such and such. But with the society we live in today very few people care and even fewer people live by it. Some people have sex for the wrong reasons in the sense that they think it will somehow bring them closer to love, or being 'loved. And then they have sex with the wrong person just because you think that maybe if you have sex with them then they'll love you. The earliest age that someone I know had sex was at age 10. Which is way to young that's pre-puberty don't do that.  My personal opinion is that yes age is a factor but not so much that it affects you're decision. I think if you are really mature and in love and if you feel comfortable enough with your own body and your partners body then go for it. Like when it comes to sex I don't think it's right to judge anyone or that it's in anyone's place to tell someone that their to young to have sex. Unless it's for all the wrong reasons then help your friend. But you don't know what state someone is in and ultimately it's their decision so stop judging them. Because that's how trust is compromised. My best friend for almost seven years now just decided to tell me she lost her virginity almost a year ago. She didn't tell me sooner because she thought I was going to judge her or look at her a different way afterwards. And it's true I did but not because she had sex like that's not even a big deal to me but the fact that she didn't trust me enough to tell me. That only made me think like okay what was it about my behavior that made her think that I would judge her. It's really hard to tell your friend something if you already know how they'll react. So I think everyone needs to calm down about this whole sex thing it's scary and emotional and you have to be stable and ready when it comes time. And you have to be with the right person don't plan anything because that's stupid. Whatever happens happens, just don't get pregnant. This was a very weird conversation I feel like I've just had with my friends and internet strangers. Any who I've learned to stop over thinking things made my life much easier. Until next time!


xxxx.
- Ayssatou

Daily Inspirations....

Sidenote: Hi! I just wanted to say that the reason I haven't posted in a while is because the only topic in my head these days is just really awkward to write about. But it has to be done so I'm working on it, for now here are two quotes that strangely relates to that topic.

xxxx.
- Ayssatou




“I don’t regret the things I’ve done, I regret the things I didn't 

do when I had the chance.” –Unknown


“Forget all the reasons it won’t work and believe the one 

reason that it will.” - Unknown

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Clarity....

Sidenote: Last one I PROMISE. This just really reminded me of someone I love and their life was just basically explained in 3 paragraphs.
xxxx.
- Ayssatou

Shrinking in a corner,
pressed into the wall;
do they know I’m present,
am I here at all?

Is there a written rule book,
that tells you how to be—
all the right things to talk about—
that everyone has but me?

Slowly I am withering—
a flower deprived of sun;
longing to belong to—

somewhere or someone.

   
 
                                                                
      - Lang Leav

When I Look At You....

In her eyes, the sadness sings—of one who was destined, for better things.

Getting Over Someone....

Sidenote: Tips that I found are helpful in getting over someone. This is mainly for my friend but it's really helpful for people who need help getting over a crush, breakup, a thing they had with someone. If a guy screws you over don't let them win by making you sad #GIRLCODE [ Also you don't have to go in order]

xxxx.
- Aysssatou

1. Ask yourself why you’re still holding on. Answer it truthfully, too. Maybe it’s, "Oh, well, we had such great times together," or "I just find that person so great." Whatever it is, answer it. Yet also look at what you are ignoring about this person. "He doesn't seem like he cares." "He never text's me first." You may find that what you thought was ideal really wasn't.

2. Remove all memories/mementos of the person from your everyday life. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. What they don't tell you is that too much absence makes the heart grow distracted. In your case, this is good! Especially when it comes to social media. If this person is a constant updater and they remind you all the time about them block them. On Facebook, Instagram, twitter deleting their phone number is a huge step.

3. Ignore them. Try not to talk or even look at that person. It's hard to control your thoughts, of course, but when that someone does something to get noticed or be near you, try to notice something else or be somewhere else. You won't get over someone you obsess over by just going with the flow.

4. Avoid being in the same place as the person, if possible. Avoiding the person is a good way to tell your body and mind that there are plenty of other people in the world who could demand your attention. Because it's true: There are plenty of other people out there, and your whole life doesn't have to revolve around one person.

5. Avenge yourself, if necessary.[hahaha] This is not meant in the harsh physical way. It means you should do everything to show them you don't care anymore. Sometimes, this can simply be achieved by being your normal self. Stop trying to impress them if you did so in the past. Instead, start doing the things you want to do, such as wearing clothes you actually like, doing sports you love, listening to music you like, etc.

6. Lean on your friends. Your friends are there to help you. Through thick and thin. They give you advice, along with a shoulder to rest on. Go out with your friends, be happy with them. Don't just sit locked up in your room, isolated from the people who want to be around you.

7. Take your time. Don't forget: forgetting takes time. It can take as long as years to get over someone. But it does get easier. Life is never easy, but the more you understand, and the better you understand about yourself, the easier it will get. Pretty soon, you'll look back, laugh, and wonder: "What was I thinking?!"


The Perfect Guy Part Two.....

Side note:
I just took a PSAT class online and literally it made me realize how screwed I actually am for my SAT. -__- anyways....

"What's wrong is that I like you." And after a few beats he said...... .. 
[5/4/2013 12:59:40 AM] Yves Becker: :) and youre too cute
[5/4/2013 12:59:56 AM] Yves Becker: Im not perfect at all, nobodys perfect

[5/4/2013 1:01:15 AM] Yves Becker: And the big big problem is that we live 6hours from eachother...:/ so even if i liiike you, maybe that i even love you(; we only can be friends... You understand? Because i dont think its possible for us when it comes to distance and seeing each other.

So at this point I was defeated. It was like I knew where he was coming from but it wouldn't register. Ever get that feeling when you know someone is right but you just don't want to accept it. But you have to anyways because it won't change the fact that they're right ? This was me at the time and I didn't know what to do. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really upset after that and that it wasn't hard to talk to him. Wow it's actually weird to think that this only happened in May. But anyways so I kept talking to him for awhile after that because all in all he was still a great person to talk to. Like i said sometimes it's easier to tell a stranger you're problems than you're friends. And that's how I realized why it's  a good thing that he's so far away. Because now there's this guy in the world that knows every detail about me and that's scary. I kept thinking to myself "Thank God I can't meet him he knows everything what the hell would we even talking about ?" So here I am now it's August I've had this insanely busy summer of working and Stage Managing and ect... And I get this.
[8/4/2013 1:03:04 AM] Yves Becker: And have i already told you?
[8/4/2013 1:06:24 AM] Yves Becker: I'm coming to NY with my family this week :)

 WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. [ Excuse my french] So obviously I was full on freaking out.
And then I....

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

PS: This story is actually really long so I'll write a part every week Baiiiiiiiii :)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Girl Who Cried Wolf...

Okay so quite recently I discovered this amazing poet called Lang Leav. She has a blog called "The Girl Who Cried Wolf" and on it are all these wonderful poems from her book 'Love & Misadventure'. I don't know it's just so helpful and easy to relate to. She basically taught me to be patient when it came to love so I respect her ALOT.  Her words are so inspiring and they make you realize how everything happens for a reason and how the universe will work it's self out in the way that it is meant to. These are some of her quotes check them out !

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

- Excerpt from Love & Misadventure

Angels

“It happens like this. 

"One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else--closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel--one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them--even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering-the reason for their presence will become clear in due time."

Though here is a word of warning--you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn't to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.
-------------------------------------------------

It's so dark right now, I can't see any light around me. 
That's because the light is coming from you. You can't see it but everyone else can.” 

-Lang Leav, Love & Misadventure

Butterflies...

This is how it's supposed to be. This is how it is. For now...    

xxxx.
- Ayssatou


       He and I
When words run dry,
     he does not try
          nor do I.

                         We are on par

                         He just is,
    I just am
              and we just are.
         
        - Lang Leav


Understanding...…

Distance,

Life,

Repetition,

Honor,

Trust,

Friendship,

Family,

Life,

Gone,

Sometimes the things we think are right aren't.
Sometimes right and wrong is just a blurred line if miscommunication and understanding.
Most of the time we use them as an excuse to cover self ignorance and ego.
It makes it hard for us to see what's really going  on
But sometimes people give us a reason to judge and criticize.
So much to the point where its hard to see what's being taken seriously or not.
But what gives us the right to close our eyes to another persons life problems ?
Also what gives us he right to burden others with information about ones self ?
The most satisfying feeling in our adolescents is quenching our emotional thirst.
To finally look through someone and say 'I understand'.
I understand where you're coming from.
I understand why you hide.
I understand why you're hurt.
I understand you.
But we're all to hypocritical and self involved to understand.
Me included.
I can't understand why
But I can try.
But do I want to know ?

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

Saturday, October 5, 2013

The Perfect Guy Part One.....

I am so tired. It's almost 7 and I got home 4 and a half hours ago from my date. Which was...Anyways let me start from the beginning and explain before I delve into what happened. So seven-eight months ago my mom went on a UN mission to Africa so I was home alone with my grandma and my cousin (who were never home). So it was a very lonely time because I would come home to either an empty house or everyone would already be sleeping. That was the time that my two friends were like just watch Jenna Marbles videos. So my obvious love for You tubers started back then. And I just started having these huge Jenna Marbles marathons for myself and it was a great distraction. Anyways so on one of her videos she was just going into random chat rooms and stuff and I was super bored. Don't judge me. So I went on Omegle a d turned the camera off because people are creepy as hell. The channel just kept switching and then I started talking to this guy who also had his camera off. And we were both like well how would I know if you're what you say you are. Like I can't see you. It was actually really funny because we just spent the whole time arguing over it and we were like on the count of three and then we both turned our webcams on. And he was perfect. Not even kidding he was just freaking perfect. We literally laughed for a good five minutes and then we were like let's Skype this website is creepy. So my friends started referring to him as 'Skype Guy' but I call him Luxembourg. He's from Luxembourg, Luxembourg. Yes its an actual place look it up. So I started skyping Luxembourg and it was nice because I had someone on he outside to talk to. Sometimes its easier to tell a stranger you're problems then you're friends. And at the point in time he was the only one I actually told things to. So he was basically like my best friend in a sense that I wouldn't go a day without talking to him. But it was hard because our time difference is six hours so at night when I would talk to him it would be like two in the morning for him and I felt so guilty and still we would talk for hours and hours. Eventually he would be like its nine I have to get ready. Like it was insane how sleep deprives we both were. So I was trying really super hard not to develop flowery feelings for him because he's so far away and it just it couldn't happen. It was at the point once when he had a serious conversation and he was like 'I think we should stay friends because the distance'. My emotions hut me like a brick wall. I never knew how much I actually liked him until he said that. After that a few days went by where I just didn't talk to him and I obviously knew he was right but that didn't make it hurt any less. He was actually really worried for a while because I didn't respond and he thought something bad happened. And honestly I was just trying to stop getting so attached but it was so hard not talking to someone you've been talking to every single day. And I obviously caved. He asked me what was wrong when I finally answered him and boy did I have balls that day because I said "What's wrong is that I like you." And after a few beats he said......
Anyways I'll finish telling you this later I need sleep. Goodnight/morning <3


xxxx.
- Ayssatou

Thursday, October 3, 2013

A Poem For My Parents....


I know sometimes I don’t act like it
I don’t give you all that I should give
But I want you to know that I love you
And will for as long as I live

I whine, I beg, I lie
I act like such a brat
You deserve more from me
But I won’t even give you that 

I know I’m hard to deal with
But still I don’t change my ways
I promise you now that I will
Starting on this very day

I promise you I will work harder
I promise you I will try
I feel bad for all the trouble I have given
In the years that have gone by

I yell, I cry, I scream
In arguments I have caused
I don’t know how much stress I bring
When complaining about my wants

I wish I could take it back 
I wish I could change all that I’ve wronged
I wish I could show just how much you mean to me
Before that opportunity is gone

I know I’ve grown up quickly
Quicker than you’d wish
I’m almost seventeen now
I’m only just realizing this

I’m sorry for everything Mom
Dad, this includes you, too
But if I could tell you anything
Just know that I love you.

I know sometimes I don’t act like it
I don’t give you all that I should give
But I want you to know that I love you
And I will for as long as I live

Erin McGinnis

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

It's My Fault....

Sometimes I just need someone to be the one to guide me. To tell me what to do with all these feelings because I can't deal with the pain  of the future. It hurts to think about. I feel like a majority of the things that I feel is because I let myself feel that way and because I'm such a pessimist most of the time those things are negative. I'm used to being a listener. It's easier to be a listener because all you have to do is focus on what the other person is saying no matter how many times they've already said it. You sit there and you listen and if there's something to say that could help you say it. But that's all there is to it. I need a listener. I need someone to be a brick wall for me so that I can just take out all of my feeling emotions and just throw it at them without a sound. A look of judgment, something I don't want to hear. I just want to say everything and then never mention it again. That's it. That's all I need. Because over the past 8 months I learned that liking someone and loving someone is not the same thing. When you love someone the pain is fifty bazillion times worse than anything you've ever felt before. It's like getting hit by a freaking car and only being damaged emotionally. It's no matter what or who you're talking to the only person you're ever thinking about is him. Everything reminds you of him and then the second you let you're thoughts wander he somehow creeps back in. You just want him around all the time but it;s impossible because distance is the biggest heart breaker. And there's just nothing you can do about it. The pain just eats you out from the inside and you're not allowed to show it. Because if you do go into the details and you say what you're thinking or what you're feeling you're done. The day I say it I will never stop crying and I will be scattered pieces of an emotional wreck. Pretending is the easiest form of being. Maybe if I pretend hard enough I'll be stable. Maybe if I pretend like I don't feel like I'm alone  when people are around me then I won't be. Maybe if I pretend like my heart isn't already broken then it'll be whole again. But at the end of the day it is my fault. I tell people who don't understand but I expect them to anyways. My expectations are to high when it comes to others and myself. It's my fault I'm so closed off. It's my fault I treat people like shit. It's my fault my family hates me. It's my fault  my friends hate me. It's my fault God hates me. It's my fault I hate me. Well this was to much for one night. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight.

xxxx.
- Ayssatou

PS: I JUST FOUND OUT I'M MOVING IN A MONTH. THANKS FOR TELLING ME MOM.

Part of Me....


The underdog.

“I’m an easy crier,
But sometimes I cry the hardest.
And my laugh doesn’t sound too pretty,
But I always laugh the loudest.

I’m a fast talker, 
But I don’t lisp as much anymore.


I chew my lip,
I can’t tell you how many smiles 
I’ve faked,
And if “I’m fine” is a lie
I’ve lost track
Of how many lies I’ve told.

Because I wear my heart on my sleeve,
I’ve earned quite a few battle scars,
But my heart’s always been for
The underdog.

I’m misunderstood,
Sometimes I laugh when I shouldn’t,
Sometimes I speak when I should only be seen.
I’m thin-skinned, not exactly loud-mouthed,
But if you gave me the choice
Of whether to whisper
Or shout,
I’d scream for all I’m worth.

I mess up,
I freak out,
I have nervous ticks,
Sometimes I use cop-outs.

I worry too much,
Sometimes I over think, 
Sometimes I don’t think enough.

I should be more careful,
I should be more selfless,
I need to practice grace,
Be less worried about my face.

But all these things
Make me
Me.

And yeah,
I need to be more selfless,
I need to not be vain,
But I’m going to have my struggles,
And someday they’ll be my past,
But I have good qualities too,
And they’ll always be part of me.”

- Analise Quinn