I Want To Write A Book.....

I want to write a book. About what ? I have no clue. I just know that I want to write a book. This may be another one of my bright idea moments. But I this is something I really want to do. The problem with me is that I can never finish what I start and my self diagnosed ADD is out of control. I remember a few years back before I said I wanted to write a children's book and I made my mom call a publishing house and everything. So I started writing a draft for this book called "Momo's greatest adventures" and I sent the first chapter to the publisher and she said it was great and that I would have to write thirty chapters for them to publish it. Now I am such a lazy person and my determination is easily driven away by my laziness and after two chapters I was done. I'm hoping it was because I was young though. I just I really want to write a book.  I have 50000000x ideas in my head on a daily basis and I feel like some of them are interesting enough for someone to pick up one day and be like " Oh well this story looks interesting let me give it a go." I want to write atleast one book. That is on my official bucket list. 

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: I'll post the only surviving chapter of "Momo's Greatest Adventures". And my bucket list later! 

The Laramie Project.....

This year my school is doing a production of "The Laramie Project" - by Moises Kaufman. So I just started reading the book about what happened to Matthew Shepard a gay university of Wyoming student who was savagely beaten, tied to a fence and left to die because of his sexual orientation. I'm sharing this picture  with you because it was the very first quote the author put in the book. The Author of this book is his mother Judy Shepard. I actually can't deal with how emotional this play is to me....

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

T.P.G PART 4.5

Side Note: I realized today how far behind this story really is and so much has happened since then. So I'll fast forward through the summer. Also yesterday was a special day and  I'm happy I shared it with my friends. Anyways last two parts of summer here we go....

Fast Forward:(The last two weeks)

Okay the last two weeks after that day is a blurred rush in my mind. It felt like we had all the time in the world and that's how we were acting. But those weeks went by very quickly. And everything was so light and easy going but at the same time really intense and emotional. The more time I spent with him the more I really liked him. We were moving really fast and there was a point where I realized how much time we really had left. And I guess I was kind of distancing myself those last few days. I just didn't want it to affect me when he left. And he could sense that but at the same time he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. So now this is the part that's going to sound bad but NOTHING HAPPENED. Okay so I'm not really that sheltered at home because my mom does let me go out and stuff. But what she never let me do before was go to a sleepover. And I've had a best friend for almost 8 years now, who my mom considers to be like her own daughter. And I wasn't thinking much when I did this. So I beg my mom to let me have a sleepover to my "best friends house".And  she actually let me go. I used my one and only sleep over card and I stayed with him. Okay before any assumptions are made I swear to this blog nothing happened that day. It was the day before he left and we literally ate junk food watched movies and talked until dawn. (Insomniac problems). After you spend that much time with someone you begin to feel a comfortable routine. And that's what we had those two weeks a steady routine, a steady rythm. But it was coming to an end. And I had to deal with it. So now the morning after.....

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

Advice of the Day....

It takes two people to make a relationship work. 

But it also takes only one person to ruin it.

And if you are as paranoid and scared as I am. Well then you'll most likely be the one to ruin it.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: Juggling three shows, Crazy director, unpacking, interventions, school work, Christmas shopping, father coming, and relationship problems all in the same week. Pray for me.

PPS: The advice was; Don't  make rapid decisions that may affect the other person you're in a relationship with  without talking to them about it. Yeah you're  independent but there's a fine line between independent and selfish. Once you cross that line you're basically fucked..... I learned this the hard way. Goodnight ! :)

Emotions/Feelings/ And All That Other Crap....

There is one thing that I will never understand and that is emotions. Why did God have to make us such emotional creatures ? I understand that there are good parts about being an emotional person like happiness, joy, love and admiration and blah blah blah blahblah. But there are so many bad parts too; in my case the bad tend to outway the good. Like anger, sadness, anxiety and love. And the worst of all tears. Why the fuck do we have to cry? Like what gave god the right to make us human waterfalls when we're either really sad or really happy. Or in my case really freaking angry.  There are some emotions that I feel like if I blog about them the moment it happens I would literally go back later and laugh at myself. Brcause of how absolutely pathetic I was. Or of how absolutly pathetic I feel at this moment. Emotions are hard to control. And in a relationship all your emotions are heightened and there are certain stages that you have to pass.

But it's hard to pass those stages when your filled with anxiety or let's say your boyfriend lives 3775 miles away. Well then you have a problem. Fun fact a boy has never made me ugly cry after a disagreement before. Until today. I hate crying. I hate people that say it will make you feel better because I feel like crap. Its just so much easier to protect yourself when you close yourself off to the world. I overthink a lot and that tends to confuse myself a lot and cloud my judgment. So at this very moment in time I'm lost. And I hate it because I don't know which way to go anymore. I need help. I'm just to proud and stubborn to admit it.

xxxx

- Ayssatou

PS: I house sat, had thanks giving, moved, lost all my clothes, and lived without Internet for three days. (My phone doesn't count.) I am so ready for college.