Hey guys, I'm sorry it's been so long. A lot of exciting things have been happening lately and I will try my best to post about them through out the week. I feel guilty since I've been extremely active on my other blog (click here if you haven't visited). I think part of the reason is that I've been consuming and distracting myself from so many other things. My theater show is next week ( The Laramie Project by Moises Kaufman at High Tech High school click here to buy tickets). And I am extremely excited, yet painstakingly nervous for it. The show ends next Saturday, March 8th, after that I am all yours I promise. Anyways in the beginning of the year I wrote a list of my "New Years Resolutions". And obviously I didn't see all of them through. But I did accomplish some of the important ones so let's go through the list again shall we.
- Never break the bond that I have with my friends
A few complications with this one. But I'm trying I swear I am. I love and care about all my friends but sometimes I like to keep to myself. I don't have an actual reason anymore I think it's just a state of comfort. My anxiety has been getting a lot worse lately and being alone sort of helps. But these are my own issues and I don't blame my friends for any of it. (for the most part )
- Stop doubting myself
Boy I learned this the hard way.I had a realization that a good majority of the time when I feel guilty or anxious about something. I start to doubt my own opinions and instincts. Or if I genuinely feel that I'm right about something that may be affecting someone else I will re-think my own actions. There's never been a moment where I haven't caved and let go of my opinions and just admit to someone else being right. Because it's the guilt switch in my mind that tells me "Well if they say you're wrong then you must be wrong". And in most instances that isn't the case. I've really invested my mind into breaking this habit. Because it doesn't feel right to me anymore.
- Make a decision about my relationship.
Oh boy do I have a story for you. Not now obviously but as you know I did make a decision about my relationship. I stand by it strong and I don't regret it. Because in my heart I know I made the right decision. But It doesn't mean I've had an easy time going through it. Anyways this is a story for another day. No need to be getting emotional this late on a Monday.
- lose weight (cliche)
Ha ha let's not even go there. I am trying to be healthier though. Spring is coming and Prom is just 2 months away!
- weekly update my blog
As you know I failed BIG TIME on this resolution. I've been so insanely busy with the show, and putting the new blog out there. Also making the website, then breaking the website. And then fixing the website AGAIN. It's been a tough two months. But I promise after the play all my energy and focus will be on blogging, marketing and college.
- Work on college stuff with guidance and make a final decision
I am very excited to say that I have made a decision on where I want to go to college. You would never believe that I would actually pick a college that's close to home but this one in particular caught my attention.Besides I'm dorming so I'll be fine. Me and my mom have gotten a lot closer since the new year started. I finally opened up a lot to her. And I decided that I don't want to be to far from her. I will write about my whole college trip and experience probably sometime this week. As for now you can guess which college it is. Here's a few hints
- It has two different campuses in NYC
- There is a major in Entertainment-Marketing
- It's the #1 leading college when it comes to Internship and Job opportunities
- I will be traveling a lot because of my major/program
- Pass the SAT's with at least a 1900
My SAT is in June so not even worried yet.
- Cut the negative energy out of my life. Including the people who bring it in.
I'm in the process of doing this. I really haven't gave a fuck lately (pardon my french). I just honestly don't care anymore when it comes to unnecessary drama. Life shouldn't be this complicated at seventeen. And all the childish petty little things that have been going on have little interest in me. I'm at a point where if someone doesn't like me or the way that I am they can just go screw themselves because I won't change for anyone. Scratch that. I won't change for anyone who won't change for me.
- Stop putting other peoples needs and feelings ahead of my own
I'm a very empathetic person. So I feel like this is one of the harder things that I have to do. Only because when it comes to people I care about I tend to worry a lot. And it's at a point where now its affecting the people around me in a negative light. The constant fear that if I say something wrong or do something that will inevitably affect my other friends. And it's destroying me from the inside out. All my emotions and pain and worries are just bottled up inside me. So right now I feel like I'm at a breaking point. My worst nightmare is that before the year ends I will explode and let all my feelings out. That will literally be the day my conscious disappears because I will not have a filter. I will be this huge hurricane tornado thing that will wreck anyone and anything in my path. So I need to start actually speaking my feelings instead of writing it down. (sorry) That's what I believe is the only way for me to break this habit.
- Never regret a decision.
I've actually been good on this one. I haven't really regretted anything I've done this year. No matter how harsh or brutal I was/had to be. I don't regret it. Because I did it for me. I realized that there was one thing I would always neglect. And that was me. I learned that sometimes it's okay to be selfish.
- Take space and work on me. Not we...
This goes for everyone. Not just my boy complications. But I really need to take space from everyone when this show is done. Friends and family. I need to take a breather and figure out how I can accomplish the things that I want to do. I've set pretty high goals for myself for the next five years of my life. And I need to focus. Of course I won't shut anyone out. I've worked too hard to open up. This is just something I will do during my own personal time. Sometimes it's good to just stay at home and re-evaluate your life.
All in all it's going to be (hopefully) a good year. I've been applying to a lot of blogging things. And joining a lot of sites so get on my website to see what I've been doing! also ANNOUNCEMENT I just recently teamed up with amazon and Hubpages. So that's why there are so many ads and stuff on my page. I am in the process of setting up my own audible with them which I'm so super excited about. Audible if you don't already know is a site owned by Amazon where you can go and listen to books. If you already have an Amazon account you can get your first audio book free. I personally recommend The Fault in Our Stars which I finally finished. It was just THE BEST BOOK EVER. So everyone should go check that out here . And with that I will end with my favorite quote from the book.
“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”
xxxx.
-Ayssatou
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