It's hard to think sometimes that other people might be going through the same thing's you are if not worse. This has been one of the longest weeks of my life and I've learned more about my friends in this one week than the two years that I've actually known them. Any hint of doubt or regret or resentment I've ever felt towards any of them vanished completely. I've learned three major things in this past week alone. One. boy's will only cause problems in you're life as of now and maybe we're just not emotionally ready to handle the stress of relationships.Two Everyone has a breaking point and I've reached mine. I'm tired of all the things I keep bottled up inside of me and on this blog, I need someone. And three It's shocking how compatible you really are when you're friends open up to you.
I will never understand why most boys act the way they do. I don't think I've ever seen my friends in so much pain. Who gave people the right to blatantly hurt another person like that. Especially in the most inhuman dick-headed of ways. Why does the "game" such a strong desire in males in which they just have to win no matter what. No matter whose poor soul there crushing. Or whose beautiful heart you're breaking. This is a reason why we will never trust anyone because of all the crazy shit that someone can do to you to ruin you're mood. I've never been a very emotionally attached person when it came to anyone so when things like this happen I just tend to close off even more then I normally would.
I've said it before that I'm a very closed off person. I haven't actually discovered the root of this problem yet but I do know it tends to make me unattached. I've never been close enough to another human being to tell them every detail of my life. Even when it comes to my friends I would pick bits and pieces of whatever happened and tell them individually. I guess you can say I'm not very trusting and I get extremely anxious when I try or I'm on the verge of telling one of them something. It's literally like I can't breathe and if I tell them I will die or something and it's weird. I've been trying hard to get out of my comfort zone and just go with the flow and actually relax for once. Like at least this year I've learned to be more social vocally I don't get as tongue tied and nervous when people come to talk to me. People surrounding me gives me anxiety in general at least people I'm not a hundred percent comfortable around . My number one fear is waking up and having my friends abandon me because I'm to screwed up to be around. It terrifies me even thinking about it. I've been alone for such a majority of my life. Even when people were around me I still felt alone. i felt like nobody was going through what I was. No one understood me. But recently when I'm with them I feel less alone. I actually feel better about myself thanks to them. I've learned that the connection you build with a group of people can over power anything.
My goal this year is to also be completely and fully open/honest with my friends. It's scary just thinking about it but only because it's different. I've been so used to not saying anything at all but my mind body and soul are tired of the bottle that I have inside of me. I guess it's time to let someone take a peek.
xxxx.
- Ayssatou
No comments:
Post a Comment