Update: It's been one of the busiest weeks of my life. I just finished stage managing a show called Carrie the Musical (yes it's like the movie). And my best friend had her sweet sixteen the same weekend and it was fabulous. But also I got a job to house sit at my directors house this weekend and after I told my mom and already agreed to do it she wakes up and tells me I can't. My mother literally builds me up to knock me down. You can't just say no last minute when this woman is already well on her way to like HAwaii or something by now. Like it's not fair to them. And I know I'm also moving this weekend (oh yeah I'm moving 2 blocks away from where i already live....my mother ladies and gentlemen). But I will literally be home to pack every single day from morning till night. Like she's using it as an excuse. Sometimes I feel like my mother just likes to smother me with her company and I DON'T WANT IT. Gosh I literally just spent an hour writing her this letter trying to convince her why I should go. Now the question is should I send it...?
To: Mommy
I'M WRITING THIS BECAUSE YOU NEVER ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ATLEAST I KNOW YOU CHECK YOUR EMAILS.
"Mommy read this article because its exactly what you're doing ! I'm 17 years old. By this time next year I'm going to be in college in another state with a roommate that I don't even know. I know how to take care of myself outside of this house and sometimes I feel really suffocated at home. The reason why I join so many extra curriculars or take on jobs is because I need my own space to breathe and I want to branch out. You can't shelter me forever. I've always been that kid that never got to go to sleepovers and that is a childhood experience that I missed out on. And I know it's not like you never let me out of the house because you do but I know you don't like to. If you had it your way I would have a leash on and be in your peripheral vision ALL THE TIME. I know that we're moving and your mainly using that as an excuse because I can be here everyday from morning to night to help pack and move stuff over like it's not even a problem. But you feel anxious and uncomfortable about me house sitting at another persons house. BUT IT ISN''T THAT BIG OF A DEAL. And it really isn't fair to break an agreement that has been set for almost two weeks now. Especially since they have already left on their trip. It won't be fair to them, to Noah who also is only allowed to help because I asked him to, and to Lisa who trusts me enough to take care of her house. I've made a lot of network connections over the past year especially while you were gone and this can really damage those relationships. She's the one whose getting me an internship next year when I turn 18 and me calling her and breaking this deal last minute only shows that I'm unreliable and that can actually put a real strain on my future. And I know you worry about constantly but you have to trust me mommy. I'm not the same person I was a few months ago. Even Mrs Arters told you today I'm really trying to improve and get my act together and the only way for me to succeed in life is for you to trust me. And to REALLY trust me. I'm honestly just trying to help you and myself right now because I know this move is a money issue also and I don't want to always go to you for money. It's time I start doing tins for myself and I can call you every hour but I'm pretty sure you'll be seeing me more than you think. I want to help you but I also need you to help/ trust me. I'm trying hard with grades and getting organizes and I WILL FIND MY GLASSES BECAUSE IM PRETTY SURE THEIR IN THE HOUSE. But you also need to work on your end and realize that I'm not a little girl anymore and how can you ever expect me to grow and be my own person if you won't even let me do such a simple task like this ? You care too much about what other people might think like grandma and your brothers and tata but at the end of the day they have no say in my life you do. The reason why I always talk about wanting to go to a college so far away is because I feel lso sheltered and suffocated in Jersey. I can never do anything or say anything without being judged or blamed and that isn't a healthy environment for me to stay in. If only you knew how much all of you really affect me emotional and why I don't like to be around that much. I don't want to live unhappy for the rest of my life. And every time I try to open up to you about it and how I'm feeling you shoot it down or tell Isma and make it into a joke. But it's not a joke. These are my feelings I am an emotional human being and it's not fair to me to always be constantly put down by my own family. The only reason I'm standing up to you now is because I don't want to have a bad relationship with any of you before I go to college. I don't want to leave with a sour note. And it will never stop if I don't stand up to myself. And really think about what I'm saying mother because most of the time you don't take me seriously and it hurts my feelings a lot. I want to have a relationship with you where I can go to you and tell you everything. But it's hard for me to do that because you tell everyone EVERYTHING. I want everything I come to you about to be private not easy access to the rest of the family because that honestly makes me really uncomfortable and makes me not trust you as much as I should. Anyways I'm sorry this ended up to be this really long thing all I wanted was to convince you to let me house sit....
Thank You
Aisha"
I don't know what to do with myself now. Also I haven't been on here for a while because I've been so busy but I have so much to write and catch you up on it's insane. Until next time!!!!!
xxxx.
- Ayssatou
PS: I sent it.......I'M SO FREAKING SCARED. Pray for me.
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