It's My Fault....

Sometimes I just need someone to be the one to guide me. To tell me what to do with all these feelings because I can't deal with the pain  of the future. It hurts to think about. I feel like a majority of the things that I feel is because I let myself feel that way and because I'm such a pessimist most of the time those things are negative. I'm used to being a listener. It's easier to be a listener because all you have to do is focus on what the other person is saying no matter how many times they've already said it. You sit there and you listen and if there's something to say that could help you say it. But that's all there is to it. I need a listener. I need someone to be a brick wall for me so that I can just take out all of my feeling emotions and just throw it at them without a sound. A look of judgment, something I don't want to hear. I just want to say everything and then never mention it again. That's it. That's all I need. Because over the past 8 months I learned that liking someone and loving someone is not the same thing. When you love someone the pain is fifty bazillion times worse than anything you've ever felt before. It's like getting hit by a freaking car and only being damaged emotionally. It's no matter what or who you're talking to the only person you're ever thinking about is him. Everything reminds you of him and then the second you let you're thoughts wander he somehow creeps back in. You just want him around all the time but it;s impossible because distance is the biggest heart breaker. And there's just nothing you can do about it. The pain just eats you out from the inside and you're not allowed to show it. Because if you do go into the details and you say what you're thinking or what you're feeling you're done. The day I say it I will never stop crying and I will be scattered pieces of an emotional wreck. Pretending is the easiest form of being. Maybe if I pretend hard enough I'll be stable. Maybe if I pretend like I don't feel like I'm alone  when people are around me then I won't be. Maybe if I pretend like my heart isn't already broken then it'll be whole again. But at the end of the day it is my fault. I tell people who don't understand but I expect them to anyways. My expectations are to high when it comes to others and myself. It's my fault I'm so closed off. It's my fault I treat people like shit. It's my fault my family hates me. It's my fault  my friends hate me. It's my fault God hates me. It's my fault I hate me. Well this was to much for one night. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight.

xxxx.

- Ayssatou

PS: I JUST FOUND OUT I'M MOVING IN A MONTH. THANKS FOR TELLING ME MOM.